All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods.

“The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you feel like you are transported to the urban bohemia of west Greenwich Village, but without the jazz clubs or bustling art scene or beatnik coffeehouses or really any cultural identity.”

It was clarified that any area that already bears the name of a New York City neighborhood, past or present, is exempt from the ordinance, such as the “Five Points” apartment complex on the Northshore.

“We are going to have fun with this,” said Bendberry. “Miller Park will be renamed ‘Central Park,’ the area near Market and Main Street will be ‘Times Square,’ and the Innovation District will be renamed ‘Battery Park,’ because, you know, tech gadgets and smartphones run off batteries.”

“SoHo, the Bowery, Tribeca, Harlem, Chinatown,” said Bendberry. “All just ripe for the pickin’.”

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.

Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.

“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”

Samuel L. Jackson to star in “Snakes in a Toilet”

After two separate reports of local residents finding snakes in their toilets, former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson announced that he would star in a new movie entitled “Snakes in a Toilet,” which would be a sequel of the 2006 film “Snakes on a Plane.”

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in these motherfucking toilets!” said Jackson at a press conference. “We don’t have a script yet, but these things practically write themselves.”

“We also don’t have a director, or producer or studio yet, and all we know – and when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ – is that there is going to be a motherfucking movie called ‘Snakes in a Toilet,’ based on these motherfucking stories about people finding motherfucking snakes in toilets in motherfucking Chattanooga,” said Jackson.

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.

“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”

Riverbend influence is seen at Bonnaroo as stages are raised 50 feet into the air

As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.

Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.

“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”

Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill.

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location.

“It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.”

Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls and ceilings in the hotel have been fitted with state-of-the-art pressure absorbers, that convert the physical movement of fucking into electrical energy.

According to Hawkittel, solo travelers can also be a part of the program by using special “Love Gloves” that harness the power of self-pleasure.

The announcement comes on the heels of Moxy’s commitment to purchase renewable energy credits to cover 12 upcoming events and its partnership with EPB to allow hotel guests to pay a little extra to power their stays using only 100% locally generated solar power.

“Whether it’s a morning quickie or an all-night fuck fest, you can help generate clean energy,” said Hawkittel.

“Or should I say, dirty energy?” said Hawkittel, with a wink.

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