Editorial: I have COVID-19 and I’m JACKED for the Chattanooga freedom rally

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If you’re like me and love freedom, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to stay home and doing your reps in your shitty one-car garage. It seems like only yesterday I was in the gym getting swole with my bros. This is probably where I got this so-called “COVID-19”.

My bro, who I will call J-Dawg for privacy purposes, was complaining of some fever and shortness of breath bullshit. We all know Jake isn’t a wuss, so he hit the garage gym anyway. Because we are all fuckin’ jacked and ripped, we like to lift with our mouths. Now we usually wipe down the bars in between turns, but a bunch of fuckin’ Karens bought up all the wipes at the Food City so the blood, sweat, urine, and saliva had to remain.

A week later, I’m sitting here on my lift seat, typing this out with a fever, and I can’t taste a damn thing in this protein shake. It’s bullshit. A fellow bro told me I should get tested for this coronavirus or whatever so I drove my sweet ass 2009 Mustang Convertable thru a drive thru testing place. Some doctor stuck a long ass qtip in my nose then called me later and told me I was sick. I told them of course I’m fuckin siccckk, but they said I have the coronavirus or ‘rona if you’re cool and i should stay home or some bullshit.

All this time in isolation without being able to hit up Planet Fitness, Buds, GNC, Disney World, the former Electric Cowboy to pay my respects, and Hamilton Skate Place made me realize the government is holding us down. What can only be called a miracle, I heard there was a rally happening today to protest the government’s tyrannical ways. I may feel like shit, but you bet my swole ass ill be there.

Now I keep hearing things about flattening the curve. The only curve being flattened is my biceps from not lifting. The government WILL NOT take this away from me. I will be at this protest. I WILL demand my rep to allow me to rep.

To all my brothers and sisters in freedom. I’ll see you out there. I won’t need a mask because it hurts to breathe and the only gloves i’ll be wearing are the fingerless ones when I’m lifting 900 pounds over my head.

Keep lifting for freedom,

Sly

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