Culture - Page 2

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

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Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd.

The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was Fleischmann’s guest at last night’s State of the Union Address from President Trump.

“Bill and I wanted to get some quality bro-time in, so we decided to roadtrip back together,” said Fleischmann. “Bill grabbed a stack of tapes, a few bags of Takis and a 6-pack of Faygo, and we were good to go.”

“After a Creedence tape, we got to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall,’ which I had never heard before,” said Fleischmann. “Man, that album blew my mind.”

“It got me thinking: is this proposed Mexican border wall really for protection, or is it merely the reflection of our troubled psyche, bearing scars of humiliating childhood traumas, betrayal and relationship turmoil?” said Fleischmann. “Maybe the combination of Takis and Faygo had something to do with it, but listening to that album made me realize that each of us is building a wall, right inside our soul.”

Fleischmann announced plans to have another spiritual quest, involving eating large amounts of spicy corn chips and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Money,” in order to help develop a new economic policy.

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

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It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.

“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”

“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.

“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”

“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”

West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist.

“Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a West Village sculpture with giant letters that spell out “ARTSY.” “Okay, I get it, you’re making some kind of point about consumerism, I suppose, but we’re the ones who have to suffer, walking by these eyesores every day.”

“I’m actually kind of relieved to hear this news,” said resident Kelly Modbilden, standing beside a sculpture resembling a peace sign made with the Eiffel Tower and the word “Thoughtful.” “I’d hate to think that someone actually picked out this art, thinking that it was good in any possible way, and paid money for it.”

The sculptures are scheduled to be sold at auction this June at Sotheby’s, after being appraised at £2m each.

Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events.

“We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as we can,” said Pat Mantobin, from the Tivoli Theater Foundation.

“Think of it this way: what if you could only see our iconic Walnut Street bridge a few hours every week?” said Mantobin. “Like that bridge, Berke’s glistening teeth are among our city’s treasures.”

“Now, if you just want to walk in off the street and look at Mayor Berke’s toothy grin on a humongous screen any time you want, you can,” said Mantobin. “It’s the year 2019, by golly.”

“Would you just look at those beautiful, pearly whites?” said Mantobin.

NOOGAtoday moves to all-emoji format

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The local news website NOOGAtoday, built upon Nooga.com after it had been acquired, announced that it would be moving to an all-emoji format in order to appeal to a hip, modern audience.

“Some readers might have already noticed that we have encouraged our writers to spice up their articles with emojis,” said NOOGAtoday representative Kelly Drenntil. “That’s something that no stuffy, outdated broadsheet paper would ever dream of doing.”

“Then we thought, why stop there?” said Drenntil. “Let’s make a big, bold move with NOOGAtoday.”

“We had some great ideas for being a total media game changer, like boosting our paid advertorial content from 50% of our articles to 100%, or closing each article with an animated GIF of someone dabbing,” said Drenntil. “But in the end, we decided to just do away with words in our articles and only use emojis.”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so an emoji is worth at least that many,” said Drenntil. “Which is good, because we’ve only been cranking out one article a day on average lately.”

Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga.

“Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about almond milk, or fake boobs,” said local resident Carl Krookstrand. “The Dirty South is kind of like fake boobs squirting almond milk, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.”

“The beauty of tribute bands is that they play what the fans want to hear: the hits,” said local music fan Bethany Luberno. “Many current bands are sick of playing the hits and concentrate on new material, but who wants that? I just want to hear the music that I listened to during my formative years, and nothing else. Innovation is overrated.”

Local venues have made a pact to increase the number of tribute band events so that at least 75% of all shows will be tribute shows.

“We’ve got 10,000 Days: A Tool Tribute, Black Jacket Symphony playing Tom Petty’s ‘Damn the Torpedoes,’ Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles, Nirvanna: A Tribute to Nirvana, and SunSap: A Tribute to Cage the Elephant coming up in town, but it’s not enough,” said local promoter Samuel Pertsky.

“We need local bands to become tribute bands that play the music of other local acts, too,” said Pertsky. “I, myself, would love to hear a Norman Blake tribute act called Norman Fake, or maybe a tribute band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Strung Like a Horse!'”

Adding to the surprise announcement, it was just revealed that an additional band would also open for The Dirty South, called “Heathens: A Tribute to The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers” which plays the music of Drive-By Truckers in the style of the Drive-By Truckers cover band The Dirty South.

Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year.

“It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like the benches at Market and 7th, or across the street from Warehouse Row at 12th and Market.”

“We’re ready to take over Miller Park, to share our vivid stories of misfortune,” said McGooligan. “It’s Miller time!”

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park.

“Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,” said local distributor Sam Lumberplaid, while stroking his beard like it was the flaxen tail of a magnificent steed.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see thousands of Avett Brothers fans with severe cases of beard itch,” said Lumberplaid.