Culture - Page 2

All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods.

“The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you feel like you are transported to the urban bohemia of west Greenwich Village, but without the jazz clubs or bustling art scene or beatnik coffeehouses or really any cultural identity.”

It was clarified that any area that already bears the name of a New York City neighborhood, past or present, is exempt from the ordinance, such as the “Five Points” apartment complex on the Northshore.

“We are going to have fun with this,” said Bendberry. “Miller Park will be renamed ‘Central Park,’ the area near Market and Main Street will be ‘Times Square,’ and the Innovation District will be renamed ‘Battery Park,’ because, you know, tech gadgets and smartphones run off batteries.”

“SoHo, the Bowery, Tribeca, Harlem, Chinatown,” said Bendberry. “All just ripe for the pickin’.”

Samuel L. Jackson to star in “Snakes in a Toilet”

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After two separate reports of local residents finding snakes in their toilets, former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson announced that he would star in a new movie entitled “Snakes in a Toilet,” which would be a sequel of the 2006 film “Snakes on a Plane.”

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in these motherfucking toilets!” said Jackson at a press conference. “We don’t have a script yet, but these things practically write themselves.”

“We also don’t have a director, or producer or studio yet, and all we know – and when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ – is that there is going to be a motherfucking movie called ‘Snakes in a Toilet,’ based on these motherfucking stories about people finding motherfucking snakes in toilets in motherfucking Chattanooga,” said Jackson.

Riverbend influence is seen at Bonnaroo as stages are raised 50 feet into the air

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As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.

Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.

“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”

Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Demon accidentally summoned at Sculpture Burn

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Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon.

“We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for a bonded and licensed demon hunter. When dealing with ‘chaotic evil’ demon lords who have over one hundred hit points, it’s best to stick with experienced professionals.”

Residents are urged to call the police if they spot the demon, which looks like a cross between one of those blue humanoids from the film Avatar and fitness instructor Tony Little.

If confronted, make loud noises to scare it away or carry a ‘demon whistle,’ available at most sporting goods stores, which creates a sound that is painful for demons to hear.

Investigators have noted that the burning of the 3-story wooden structure by itself wasn’t enough to summon the demon and that someone could have thrown mandrake or nightshade into the fire while reciting a spell in an arcane language.

“Who knows? Maybe someone was just blasting Mötley Crüe from their car stereo during the Sculpture Burn,” said Ontenman.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

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Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd.

The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was Fleischmann’s guest at last night’s State of the Union Address from President Trump.

“Bill and I wanted to get some quality bro-time in, so we decided to roadtrip back together,” said Fleischmann. “Bill grabbed a stack of tapes, a few bags of Takis and a 6-pack of Faygo, and we were good to go.”

“After a Creedence tape, we got to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall,’ which I had never heard before,” said Fleischmann. “Man, that album blew my mind.”

“It got me thinking: is this proposed Mexican border wall really for protection, or is it merely the reflection of our troubled psyche, bearing scars of humiliating childhood traumas, betrayal and relationship turmoil?” said Fleischmann. “Maybe the combination of Takis and Faygo had something to do with it, but listening to that album made me realize that each of us is building a wall, right inside our soul.”

Fleischmann announced plans to have another spiritual quest, involving eating large amounts of spicy corn chips and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Money,” in order to help develop a new economic policy.

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

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It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.

“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”

“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.

“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”

“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”

West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

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After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist.

“Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a West Village sculpture with giant letters that spell out “ARTSY.” “Okay, I get it, you’re making some kind of point about consumerism, I suppose, but we’re the ones who have to suffer, walking by these eyesores every day.”

“I’m actually kind of relieved to hear this news,” said resident Kelly Modbilden, standing beside a sculpture resembling a peace sign made with the Eiffel Tower and the word “Thoughtful.” “I’d hate to think that someone actually picked out this art, thinking that it was good in any possible way, and paid money for it.”

The sculptures are scheduled to be sold at auction this June at Sotheby’s, after being appraised at £2m each.

Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

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The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events.

“We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as we can,” said Pat Mantobin, from the Tivoli Theater Foundation.

“Think of it this way: what if you could only see our iconic Walnut Street bridge a few hours every week?” said Mantobin. “Like that bridge, Berke’s glistening teeth are among our city’s treasures.”

“Now, if you just want to walk in off the street and look at Mayor Berke’s toothy grin on a humongous screen any time you want, you can,” said Mantobin. “It’s the year 2019, by golly.”

“Would you just look at those beautiful, pearly whites?” said Mantobin.

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