Statue of Gen. A.P. Stewart with silly hat

Confederate statue to wear silly hat as compromise

Ending a series of heated arguments regarding calls to remove the statue of Confederate Army Lt. Gen. A.P. Stewart from the front of the Hamilton County Courthouse, a compromise was reached between opposing sides, where the statue is allowed to stay but must wear a silly hat.

“A government building shouldn’t honor the Confederacy, which fought to preserve slavery, but we also shouldn’t try to erase history,” said Fran Mirtizan, a moderator between opposing sides. “Ideally, this statue of General Stewart would go to a museum, but we reached an agreement where the statue wears this ridiculous novelty hat that looks like a tiny putting green on a golf course.”

Both sides agreed that the silly hat would be changed on a monthly basis, and for the month of November, Stewart will wear a giant foam cowboy hat.

“There. All better,” said Mirtizan.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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