Ouija board

City to fund séances to let slain witnesses testify

The City of Chattanooga announced plans to fund séances so that trial witnesses who have been slain out of retaliation before court dates will still be able to testify.

“We obviously can’t guarantee your safety if you make the extremely brave and noble decision to testify against those accused of violent and gang-related crimes,” said Morgan Dunnlop, a city representative. “But if necessary, we can get your testimony from the hereafter, through a séance.”

The fund will pay for high-quality Ouija boards, candles and qualified gypsies, who are licensed and bonded.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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