The Dress

Gov. Haslam declares State of Emergency over divisive white or blue dress controversy

The Dress
The Dress
Gov. Bill Haslam declared Tennessee to be in a State of Emergency earlier today, as a result of the mass chaos that has erupted over the question of whether a dress in a photo being shared on social media is colored white and gold or blue and black.

“I urge the public to remain calm in this severe crisis,” said Haslam. “Stay inside, lock your doors, and don’t get on Facebook, Tumblr or Reddit for at least the next 48 hours, I implore you.”

The divisive issue has caused friends and family members to turn on each other with violent disagreement, over a simple matter of color perception with regards to a particular snapshot of a dress.

“Team White and Gold has occupied the Southside, while Team Blue and Black has taken over the North Shore,” said Police Chief Fred Fletcher. “I’ve heard murmurs of martial law, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“There are riots, looting, naked napalm-scalded children running through the streets, screaming,” said resident Katharin Pourlay. “I haven’t seen so many people so angry about an issue since Coke changed its formula in 1985.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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