Election wrap-up: Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

Voting instructions (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/rMpQF)

* Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

* Gov. Haslam pulls football away at last second as Democratic opponent tries to kick it

* Coat-hanger industry stocks soar upon news of Amendment 1 passing

* Vietnam veterans can now legally recreate the Russian Roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter” for charity under Amendment 4

* Passing of “wine in supermarkets” referendum finally allows consumers to purchase Mad Dog 20/20, ammo, birth control, Miracle Whip, gerbils and video cameras in one place

* Bald, adulterous patient-fucker re-elected

Francis Porkloin
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Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.