August 2013 - Page 2

David Blaine to crucify self on The Crossing’s giant cross for next stunt

David Blaine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
David Blaine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

At a press conference yesterday afternoon in New York City, magician David Blaine announced that for his next stunt, he would crucify himself on the tallest of the three newly built giant crosses in Chattanooga at The Crossing Church off Interstate 75.

Blaine rose to prominence early in his career as a street magician before performing extreme stunts and tests of endurance, including being frozen in a block of ice for 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case without food for 44 days and being electrified with one million volts continuously for 72 hours.

“Some people, when they see a magnificent, towering mountain, they say, ‘I want to climb that,'” said Blaine, while “The Final Countdown” by Europe played in the background. “When I heard about these giant crosses being built in Tennessee, I immediately said, ‘I want to crucify myself on that.'”

“For 40 days and 40 nights, you will see me on the tallest of the three crosses, without food or shade from the blistering sun,” said Blaine. “Jesus Christ was only on the cross for less than a day, and I plan on beating his record, many times over.”

GIGTANK 2013: New textile printer turns babies into billboards

Custom-printed infant onesie
Custom-printed infant onesie

GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

“Imagine if you will, a world where low-income families can receive free baby clothing and diapers with no burden whatsoever on taxpayers or even charities,” said Fran Hindelmeyer. “Imagine these clothing designs being transmitted automatically across the Internet and printed at home, for ultimate convenience.”

“The future is here, my friends,” said Hindelmeyer to a roar of applause.

Hindelmeyer described how the new startup BabyBillboard has joined forces with advertising partners for this new textile printing technology, which creates custom-made baby clothing printed with advertising with an all-in-one unit that only requires an Internet connection.

“This is a win-win situation. Struggling, poor families get baby clothes at no cost to them, while corporations get valuable advertising,” said Hindelmeyer. “Who knows where this idea might go. Google is one of the most powerful companies on the planet, and most of its revenue comes from advertising.”

“Everybody loves babies,” said Hindelmeyer. “People can’t take their eyes off them, and people love to take photos of them. That’s what makes them perfect for advertising space.”

“One of our advertising partners is the condom manufacturer Durex,” said Hindelmeyer. “It’s a perfect match. What better advertisement for condoms is there, than a screaming, bratty baby wearing a Durex onesie?”

Custom-printed infant onesie
Custom-printed infant onesie

GIGTANK 2013: “That’s What She Said” app to revolutionize texting

"That's What She Said" app screenshot
“That’s What She Said” app screenshot

GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

“It is safe to say that the ‘That’s What She Said’ mobile app will dramatically change the way we communicate,” said TWSS Technologies founder Cynthia Kerautty to the expert panel.

“That’s what she said,” said TWSS Technologies software developer Sylvester Chundler while pointing to Kerautty, eliciting laughter from the entire room.

“Studies have shown that if you reply to any statement with ‘That’s what she said,’ then 29% of the time, it will be funny,” explained Kerautty. “Statistically speaking, those are good odds, which we wanted to exploit with our new app that will surely revolutionize texting.”

“After you install our app, whenever you receive an incoming text message, the app will automatically and indiscriminately reply back with the text ‘That’s what she said,'” said Kerautty. “Sometimes, it won’t make any sense, but when it works, put on your earmuffs because big laughs are coming.”

Regarding the future of the app, Chundler explained that his team of developers has been working diligently on the next version of the app that will respond to incoming text messages with the phrase ‘Don’t go there.'”

GIGTANK 2013: Turn your website into a $328,000 CHATASITE


GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.


“Are you one of the thousands of people who are looking to spruce up your website into a Chattanooga government approved web orgasm,” asked CHATASITE CEO Derek Peters, to a panel of GIGTANK 2013 judges. “Well look no further than our new startup entitled: CHATASITE!”

CHATASITE is a local startup that uses the same technology and logic behind the controversial $328,000 makeover several years ago. Customers can input the URL of their existing website via a web form, pay the measly $328,000 and receive a custom makeover within 6 to 8 months.

“CHATASITE has the amazing ability to take all text, even those included in pictures, and convert them to Chattanooga’s own Chatype font,” explained Peters, to a roar of applause from the audience. “We even have the spectacular technology to include moving background images and links to the client’s Facebook and Twitter accounts!”

“What CHATASITE has to offer is really astonishing,” said GIGTANK attendee and GPS student McKinsey Adams. “My parents have the 328 grand, and I have the Twilight fan page that is right up its alley.”

TFP fires entire staff except Harrison Keely

Harrison Keely
Harrison Keely

In a written statement, the management of the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that after carefully reviewing its numerous policies, it has terminated the employment of its entire staff with the exception of Harrison Keely, who is left to carry the workload of his departed co-workers.

The firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson over the modification of a headline for an editorial about President Barack Obama’s employment plan led the paper’s management to scour the 1,692 pages of its policies, including its ethics policy, and it managed to find every single writer, editor, contributor and supporting staff member in violation of at least one policy, except for Harrison Keely.

“We were troubled to learn that Arts and Entertainment writer Casey Phillips received a free promotional CD from a musical group about which he wrote, yet, although it has been four weeks, he has still not donated that CD to charity,” said the statement. “We gave him the boot. Mighty Casey has struck out.”

“It came to our attention that reporter Joan Garrett accepted a piece of chewing gum from a local organization while covering a story, without providing the proper monetary reimbursement,” said the statement. “That is nothing short of bribery and a flagrant violation of our ethics policy.”

“Now Harrison Keely,” said the statement. “We couldn’t find any dirt on Harrison. We questioned his soul patch, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that soul patches aren’t allowed. He is as pure as the driven snow and just the sweetest little angel.”

Keely will continue to handle social media for the Times Free Press and create the daily “Top 5 things to know in the Chattanooga area today” videos, and in addition to those duties, he will perform all reporting, writing, editing and content creation for the paper, including taking over Clay Bennett’s role as political cartoonist.

Incomprehensible political cartoon
Incomprehensible political cartoon


TFP upholds “No Johnny Paycheck quotes” policy

"Take This Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck
“Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck

At a press conference yesterday held by the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Managing Editor Ashley Sechalles explained that the recent firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson was simply an enforcement of the longstanding policy that strictly disallows the use of Johnny Paycheck quotes or references in any articles for the paper.

Johnson had altered the headline for an editorial, critical of President Barack Obama, from “Keep your jobs plan to yourself, Mr. President” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President,” making a reference to country music star Johnny Paycheck’s 1977 hit recording of the David Allen Coe song “Take This Job and Shove It.”

“Time and time again, we have made it clear to our writers and reporters that no Johnny Paycheck references or quotes are to ever be used,” said Sechalles. “Doing so goes against both the AP Stylebook and The Chicago Manual of Style, and even Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style has an entire chapter about avoiding Johnny Paycheck quotes.”

“This firing is not unprecedented,” said Sechalles. “We had to fire one reporter ten years ago for the title of an article about weddings for morbidly obese people, called ‘Will you take this blob and love it?'”

Recently fired TFP writer Drew Johnson lands job at North Georgia Busy Shopper


Just 24 hours after his dismissal from the Chattanooga Times Free Press for his controversial headline about President Obama’s visit to Chattanooga, writer Drew Johnson announced he has been hired by the North Georgia Busy Shopper weekly publication.

9ae173b7e441f11c503bee41b0b292a432132“It’s been a dream of mine to write for a paper whose main objective is to find great deals on useless shit,” exclaimed Johnson. “I cannot thank the Times Free Press enough for canning my ass and allowing me to take this opportunity.”

Many believe Johnson’s firing was a consequence of his strong anti-Obama views, contrary to the Times Free Press’s reason of his changing the originally approved headline. Likewise, Johnson has become somewhat of a hero in the conservative news world, appearing on celebrity Mormon Glenn Beck’s House of Fun program and Fox News’s Fox and Pals.

Johnson hopes to get right to work with the Busy Shopper, as soon as he returns from his media circuit.

“We’re really excited for Mr. Johnson to join our team,” said Busy Shopper editor Nancy Bowls. “Here, there is no man to keep him down, mostly because we’re a predominantly female staff.”
photo: contributed

BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”


Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”