Culture — 21 September 2013

The warmth of the hot Friday night lights isn’t the only heat one may soon feel during a local weekly high school Football game. Area High School Football coaches are upping the ante in pre-game rituals by performing human altar sacrifices in hopes to come out on top.

footballsacrificeRecent polls have shown that many coaches and players are turning to pre game prayer for the Lord God to bless them with a big win over the opposing team. According to local assistant coach Jim Standifer, sometimes prayer just isn’t enough.

“After losing our first few games of the season, we questioned if locker room prayer was truly helping,” said Standifer, while lighting a bundle of kindle for use as a torch. “We hope The Lord almighty will accept our human sacrifice of fullback number 23: Matthew Lewis, and bestow upon us a win over our arch rivals this Friday.”

Parents and fans of many local football teams believe prayer and sacrifices are still not enough. Some are calling for the construction of biblical temples in end zones and player’s helmets display a copy of the 10 commandments.

“If it comes down to it, we’re not above slaughtering a string of first born Quarterbacks,” exclaimed Standifer.

Share

About Author

Dirk Savage

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

  • Sideshow_Billybob

    Huitzilopochtli. Aztec god of human sacrifice (among other things) will be most pleased with this turn of events. Praise be to the new Christian god, the old Aztec god!