TEMA alert

TEMA apologizes for “You are going to die soon” test alerts

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) apologized after bombarding mobile phone users with a barrage of test alerts that told the recipients that they were going to die horrible deaths in the near future.

The graphic alerts, none of which bothered to explicitly say that it was just a test to kick off National Preparedness Month, went into extreme detail about the excruciating pain that was imminent, due to a variety of simultaneous disasters, and they even described the types of wildlife that would feed on the recipients’ carcasses.

Several alerts expressed an existential anguish, chiding recipients who believed they were at death’s door that they spent too much time working rather than playing with their children, while other alerts encouraged Tennessee residents to be adventurous and go wild with abandon in the last few minutes of their lives.

“We are so, so sorry for the confusion and misunderstandings,” said TEMA director, Jerred Yeardley. “But on the bright side, my wife and I just had the best sex of our lives.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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