Turmoil-ridden Ooltewah High changes name to Oolte-WTF

After several months of turmoil, Ooltewah High School announced that it would change its name to “Oolte-WTF High School.”

“Sweet Jesus, this has been a wild ride,” said principal Tracy Cayrns while walking amid chaos that resembled a scene from the film Red Dawn. “We’re just going to be honest with everyone and change our name to reflect what a batshit-crazy place this school has become.”

In addition to the high-profile Ooltewah basketball team rape case, last week the majority of students was absent due to three shooting threats that were written on bathroom walls, and yesterday, a police report was filed regarding an Ooltewah football coach who allegedly sent nude pictures to a 17-year-old student and made plans to have sexual intercourse.

“I’m sure one day, things will be back to normal, but until then, just call us Oolte-WHAT…THE…FUUUU,” said Cayrns as a group of bears had just been spotted running into the school.

Francis Porkloin
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