August 2015

Burqa-wearing Sheriff Hammond to go undercover at local mosques

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Shalim
After Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Hammond discussed plans to monitor state-wide Muslim activity earlier today at a Hamilton County Pachyderm Club meeting, he vowed to wear a burqa and go undercover himself at local mosques to search for any potential Islamic extremists.

Hammond called Islam “communism with a god” and “the strongest infringement that we’ve had in our country…since communism,” and he said, “Even if only 5 percent…want to perform jihad, that’s a lot of people.”

“If I must infiltrate every mosque and possible sleeper cell in the area myself, I will do it,” said Hammond. “I will learn Arabic and study the Qur’an and develop a taste for falafel, so I will become one of them.”

“I will speak with a high-pitched voice like a woman and wear a burqa all day,” said Hammond. “As a mole, I am prepared to enter an arranged marriage as an ISIS bride in order to get to the heart of the operation, if I must.

Local broads celebrate Women’s Equality Day

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Broads (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/patEuA)
Broads (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/patEuA)
Skirts across the city of Chattanooga celebrated the annual holiday Women’s Equality Day today, which commemorates the 95th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing broads the right to vote.

“Major victories have been won in the war against sexism in the last century,” said local dollface Abigail Lissing. “But there is still much to do in this nation, where women earn around 78 cents for every dollar a man earns.”

“The majority of the US population is composed of women,” said Cynthia Gillett, one ripe tomato who lives in North Chattanooga. “However, it’s just crazy that today, less than one-fifth of all congressional seats are held by women.”

“In the struggle for equality, all the low-hanging fruit has already been picked,” said Madeline Goss, a dame who teaches physics at a local high school. “It’s time to go after all kinds of sexism, even the most subtle kind. It’s everywhere in advertising and the media, working subconsciously from something as simple as a choice of one word over another.”

Local dollar theater plans upgrade to offer luxury while watching Hollywood tripe

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Left used under fair use. Right used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7eh4pY.
Left used under fair use. Right used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7eh4pY.
The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe.

“After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative Bobby Lemirre. “Every drop of sweat on Paul Blart’s corpulent body will be crystal clear.”

“You will lose yourself in luxury, when you sit back in one of our ultra-comfy reclining seats, and you might even forget that you’re viewing one of those unwatchable CGI-shitstorms that are the ‘Transformers’ movies,” said Lemirre.

“Enjoy the new gourmet food and drink options,” said Lemirre. “And try to keep it all down when watching an ipecac substitute like a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.”

“Since the end of the ‘Last Golden Age’ in the ’70s, Hollywood has become devoted to appealing to the lowest common denominator,” said Lemirre. “It offers an endless parade of sequels, franchises and remakes, favoring stars, T&A and gratuitous violence over true creativity, but audiences will come out in droves anyway. So why not enjoy a glass of Chardonnay while you watch?”

Sen. Ted Cruz gets “sick tats” at Standard Ink

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Sen. Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.)
Sen. Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.)

After U.S. Sen. and Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz gave a speech at GraceWorks Church in Chattanooga yesterday morning, he revealed that the primary reason for his visit was actually to get some “sick tats” at Standard Ink Tattoo Company on Frazier Ave.

Cruz was fulfilling a suggestion he made last year, as reported by The Washington Post, that the words “Growth” and “Opportunity” should be tattooed on every Republican politician.

Apparently inspired by Robert Mitchum’s character in the film The Night of the Hunter, Cruz had the two words tattooed across his knuckles in a 3-D font resembling the one used by Metallica on its Master of Puppets album cover.

“This is some sweet-ass ink,” said Cruz while sitting in the tattoo parlor chair. “If I have enough time today, I’m going to get another tat, of Calvin pissing on a copy of the Affordable Care Act, on my caboose.”

Downtown YMCA Youth Soccer team to face winner of U.S. vs Costa Rica

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A representative of the sport of Soccer announced that the local downtown YMCA Youth Co-ed Soccer team will face the winner of this month’s match between the US Women’s National Soccer and Costa Rica at Finley Stadium. The downtown YMCA co-ed soccer team is made up from 5-6-year-old boys and girls from around the area.

football“We hope the match will take place sometime next month,” explained head Soccer sport spokesmen Ted Futboll. Of course it depends on the team’s homework load and if the parents can get them to Finley stadium on time.