{"id":2284,"date":"2019-05-21T20:19:46","date_gmt":"2019-05-22T00:19:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/?p=2284"},"modified":"2019-05-21T20:19:54","modified_gmt":"2019-05-22T00:19:54","slug":"tdot-safety-tips-for-roadside-fighting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/2019\/05\/21\/tdot-safety-tips-for-roadside-fighting\/","title":{"rendered":"TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway<\/a>, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk<\/a>, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation: * Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before. * Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis. * If it is nighttime, turn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2283,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2284"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2284"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2284\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2283"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}