Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for a bonded and licensed demon hunter. When dealing with ‘chaotic evil’ demon lords who have over one hundred hit points, it’s best to stick with experienced professionals.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Residents are urged to call the police if they spot the demon, which looks like a cross between one of those blue humanoids from the film Avatar <\/em>and fitness instructor Tony Little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If confronted, make loud noises to scare it away or carry a ‘demon whistle,’ available at most sporting goods stores, which creates a sound that is painful for demons to hear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Investigators have noted that the burning of the 3-story wooden structure by itself wasn’t enough to summon the demon and that someone could have thrown mandrake or nightshade into the fire while reciting a spell in an arcane language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Who knows? Maybe someone was just blasting M\u00f6tley Cr\u00fce from their car stereo during the Sculpture Burn,” said Ontenman.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon. “We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for a bonded and licensed demon hunter. When dealing with ‘chaotic evil’ demon lords who have over one hundred hit points, it’s best to stick with experienced professionals.” Residents are urged to call the police if they spot the demon, which looks like a cross between<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2275,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2276"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2276"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2276\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2275"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2276"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2276"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2276"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}