It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast. “Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!” “You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2241,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,10],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2242"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2242"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2242\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2241"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chattanoogabystander.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}