Riverbend influence is seen at Bonnaroo as stages are raised 50 feet into the air

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As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.

Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.

“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”

Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting

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Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill.

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

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Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location.

“It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.”

Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls and ceilings in the hotel have been fitted with state-of-the-art pressure absorbers, that convert the physical movement of fucking into electrical energy.

According to Hawkittel, solo travelers can also be a part of the program by using special “Love Gloves” that harness the power of self-pleasure.

The announcement comes on the heels of Moxy’s commitment to purchase renewable energy credits to cover 12 upcoming events and its partnership with EPB to allow hotel guests to pay a little extra to power their stays using only 100% locally generated solar power.

“Whether it’s a morning quickie or an all-night fuck fest, you can help generate clean energy,” said Hawkittel.

“Or should I say, dirty energy?” said Hawkittel, with a wink.

Demon accidentally summoned at Sculpture Burn

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Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon.

“We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for a bonded and licensed demon hunter. When dealing with ‘chaotic evil’ demon lords who have over one hundred hit points, it’s best to stick with experienced professionals.”

Residents are urged to call the police if they spot the demon, which looks like a cross between one of those blue humanoids from the film Avatar and fitness instructor Tony Little.

If confronted, make loud noises to scare it away or carry a ‘demon whistle,’ available at most sporting goods stores, which creates a sound that is painful for demons to hear.

Investigators have noted that the burning of the 3-story wooden structure by itself wasn’t enough to summon the demon and that someone could have thrown mandrake or nightshade into the fire while reciting a spell in an arcane language.

“Who knows? Maybe someone was just blasting Mötley Crüe from their car stereo during the Sculpture Burn,” said Ontenman.

All 2145 CFC owners vote to switch team to curling

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During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in preperation.

“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.

“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

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During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.

Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.

“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.

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