Riverbend - Page 3

In an effort to keep the wholesome family friendly image that Riverbend is known for, officials announced that today’s Bessie Smith Strut will become a “profanity free zone.” The news comes a day after the controversial decision to ban dropped; yet rehired singer Cee Lo Green after a profanity filled performance at the festival on Saturday.

The Bessie Smith Strut, which takes place on Martin Luther King Boulevard every year during Riverbend week, is known for its barbecue and blues music. Event planners hope families, who employ a more “traditional” standard of decency, will take notice and choose to attend the event this year.

No longer can the phrases: “fuck, this corn dog is the shit”, or “shit, that son of a bitch has a gun” be uttered without immediate dismissal from the event.

Due to the new policy, the private security hired to police the festival has called in 30 extra officers as reinforcements. Armed with high-powered microphones, personnel will be placed upon rooftops along the strut to listen for those in violation of the new policy.

“I think it’s wonderful that sanctions have been put in place to keep the strut in line with Riverbend being a family friendly event,” said Mayor Berke, when informed of the new policy. “Come to think of it, this is a big fucking ass deal.”

(image courtesy of Bessie Smith Cultural Center. http://www.bessiesmithcc.org/)

Local weatherman and apparent Jazz enthusiast Paul Barys announced today that his Jazz group, “The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion” will make their debut at the upcoming 2013 Riverbend Festival.

The group, which features Barys on Piano, Fats Colman on the bass, Skeeter McDuffin on the Drums, and rival news station reporter Calvin Sneed on tambourine and woodblock, hope to make a name for themselves with their fresh licks and cool sounds.

“Like forecasting the weather, Jazz was something that always came naturally to me,” explained Barys, while performing a four octave Piano run. “I hope my Jazz explosion will show Chattanoogans another side of myself and the beard.”

Although the band hasn’t officially booked a time, day, or stage for the festival, Barys hopes when the group shows up with their equipment and his celebrity status, finding a place to “let loose” will not be an issue.

“Our sound is somewhat like a torrential downpour, except the rain has been replaced with the sweet sounds of smooth and free flowing Jazz,” said Barys.

To the disappointment of many Chattanooga music fans, it was announced today at a press conference by the Friends of the Festival, the group that organizes the Riverbend music festival, that unfortunately Cee Lo Green was dropped from the 2013 Riverbend lineup.

The reason behind the cancellation was a rule that has been in effect for the entire 31-year history of the annual nine-day summer music festival, which states that acts that are “current, popular and relevant” are barred from playing the festival.

“We deeply regret the error,” said head festival organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We thought enough years had passed since ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley was a smash hit, but we totally forgot about Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You.'”

Riverbend Festival regulations state that a performer must not have had a bona fide hit song within the last five years, and Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” also known in an unbowdlerized form as “F-ck You,” was both a commercial and critical success in 2010.

“Brandy was able to stay on the bill, because her star had fallen enough in the last few years with her last couple of albums,” explained Dewarr.

“’80s one-hit wonders, past-their-prime rock dinosaurs milking the county fair circuit, ’60s acts with only one original member left: that is the true spirit and bread-and-butter of Riverbend,” said Dewarr.

The current 2013 Riverbend Festival lineup includes the bands Lynyrd Skynyrd, Psychedelic Furs, and 10,000 Maniacs without Natalie Merchant.

“Although Cee Lo fans may be disappointed,” said Dewarr, “we are pleased to announce that the money that would have gone to Cee Lo was used to put seventeen more acts on the lineup, including the ’70s British rock band Foghat, Marcy Playground, Fred Durst Unplugged and a Guttermouth cover band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guttermouth!'”

In a press release by Friends of the Festival spokesman Terry Sphinx, Internet music sensation PSY is set to headline the 31st annual Riverbend Music Festival.

PSY came into the public eye in mid 2012 on the Internet with his hit song “Gangnam Style”‘, which is apparently about rich people and their horses or something. It has since become the highest viewed video in the history of YouTube.

We spoke to Mr. Sphinx about obtaining PSY to headline the award winning festival.

“It was quite funny actually” Sphinx laughed, “the rest of the FOF guys and I were in an intense brainstorming session on who we should book for the ‘Bend 013. Someone had suggested “the chick who does the Friday song”. I said no way man, lets take it up to the next level, and up a million more YouTube views. All it took was an email and a fax and he was in.”

Riverbend funnel cake vendor Todd Stewman was elastic about the news of PSY. “I love that guy and his silly horse dance!” Stewman said. “Hopefully, he’s still revelant come Riverbend.”

“We can only pray that we has more songs than the smash hit Gangnam Style” said Sphinx,”or hopefully he can stretch it out for about an hour and a half.