Riverbend - Page 2

During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Organizers of the annual 9-day Chattanooga music festival Riverbend have signed a historic deal to present every act performing at the Bonnaroo festival this weekend at a future Riverbend Festival, 25 years from now.

“We just saved ourselves a ton of effort,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We can’t afford those fancy-pants Bonnaroo headliners today, but since we locked in this deal, we’re paying pennies on the dollar to have them play Riverbend in 2041.”

“It’s kind of like buying day-old bread for half-price,” said Dewarr.

The Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival in Manchester, Tenn. begins today and features many established artists such as Pearl Jam, Jason Isbell and LCD Soundsystem alongside hot, newer acts like Haim, CHVRCHES and Tame Impala.

Riverbend begins this weekend with headliners who packed arenas decades ago, including Heart, REO Speedwagon, 38 Special and Blood, Sweat & Tears.

“Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is 51 years old now, and he’s headlining Bonnaroo,” said Dewarr. “How thrilling and more meaningful will it be to hear him sing, ‘Oh I’m still alive’ when he’s 76 years old, at Riverbend?”

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, organizers of the annual Riverbend summer music festival announced the final lineup for this year’s event, after being cryogenically frozen for nearly two decades.

“We listened to all of you who said to us, ‘Show me the money!'” said Riverbend organizer Joselyn Boykinns. “We are confident you will think this year’s lineup is all that and a bag of chips.”

The 2015 Riverbend Festival, which is scheduled for June 5-13, will feature many acts that were popular in the early-to-mid ’90s, including Stone Temple Pilots, Melissa Etheridge, Chubb Rock, Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick.

“We tried our best to get Spin Doctors and Hootie & The Blowfish, but it didn’t work out,” said Boykinns, who has recently emerged from a 19-year state of cryopreservation.

“Whatever,” said Boykinns, while forming the letter “W” with her thumbs and index fingers. “If you don’t like the lineup, well, you can just talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening!”

Friends of the Festival, the presenters of the annual Riverbend Music Festival, have announced that they guarantee that this year’s festival, which runs from June 6 until June 14, will suck at least 15% less than in previous years.

“We have been paying attention to your comments, angry and confused phone calls and emails, and satire, and we have worked extra hard this year so that Riverbend sucks less than before,” said Ginger Dewarr, head festival organizer. “Instead of ’80s one-hit wonders, we have made sure that our ’80s acts have no fewer than two hits.”

One of the festival’s victories was securing a set by Widespread Panic, a band of huge stature in the jam-band genre which has a clause in its contracts that says it cannot play festivals that completely suck.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon it was announced that Friends of the Festival, the organization that coordinates the annual Riverbend music festival, has outsourced next year’s event and all future events to the Michigan horrorcore hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse.

“We give up,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We are sick of it, busting our butts all year long, volunteering our time and effort, to put on this huge festival that draws tens of thousands of attendees and is an incredible bargain, and people just whine like entitled, ungrateful little shits.”

“From this point forward, our board of directors has unanimously agreed to employ the services of Insane Clown Posse to organize and curate all future Riverbend Festivals,” said Dewarr. “This is a win-win situation, taking the responsibility and blame off our hands and saving us money, since we only have to pay them with a dozen cases of Faygo.”

Dewarr explained that Riverbend would now be a southern extension of the annual “Gathering of the Juggalos” outdoor festival presented by Insane Clown Posse since 2000.

Representatives DJ Clay and Sugar Slam then took the podium while shouting out “Whoop whoop!” and spraying the soft drink Faygo onto the first row in the audience.

“What up ninjas! We are bringing the Dark Carnival to this backwoods bitch-ass town,” said DJ Clay. “The whole Psychopathic Records family, yo, plus wrestling, the Neden Game, wet t-shirt Juggalette contests, and more.”

“We’ll have magicians, jugglers, dudes on stilts, a giant water slide, real Midway games, and other things you might expect to see at a five-year-old’s birthday party,” said Sugar Slam.

Insane Clown Posse member Violent J appeared via a remote video link on a giant screen and explained that while the original Midwest “Gathering of the Juggalos” event is like Mecca for Juggalos—the nickname for fans of the band—the new Chattanooga event will be like Medina.

Violent J announced that the 2014 Riverbend lineup will include Kanye West, Daft Punk, Jack White, Wu-Tang Clan, Radiohead, Katy Perry, Tom Waits, Dirty Projectors and Vanilla Ice.

The headlining act of the 2013 Riverbend Festival’s Family & Faith Night, the Australian Christian rock band Newsboys, has been banned from performing at future Riverbend Festivals after a controversial Tuesday night performance.

The band members, clad in black leather clothing, gave a performance filled with gratuitous nudity, onstage drinking and copious profanity.

“We received very, very, very many disgruntled emails,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “Those Vegemite-munching koala-humpers won’t be coming back.”

The quartet began the performance with an enthusiastic rendition of the group’s hit song “F-ck You, Satan!” before playing another fan-favorite, “Crazy (Like a Motherf-cker about Jesus).”

Newsboys lead singer Michael Tait, also known as a founding member of DC Talk, then began the sacrament of Holy Communion onstage by throwing loaves of bread into the audience while saying, “Jesus said, ‘This is my body, broken for you. Do this in remembrance of me.'”

Tait proceeded to grab his shirt with both hands and rip it off his body, revealing his six-pack abs, saying, “And this is my body. My awesome, ripped body, for you.”

Tait then mooned the audience.

Continuing the sacrament, Tait poured a generous helping of communion wine into a large silver chalice and drank it in one gulp, before swiftly pouring another serving and imbibing it.

“We have written their management a stern letter, and it’s safe to say they won’t be coming back,” said Dewarr. “Where’s your savior now, Jesus-boys?”