Politics - Page 18

Mayor Berke takes diversity to next level by hiring Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein

Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
As Mayor Andy Berke continues to fill vacant positions in his administration, so far City Council members and constituents have praised the choices for their quality, expertise and diversity.

Leaving a crowd of reporters and Chattanooga residents in slack-jawed amazement, at a press conference yesterday afternoon Berke announced the appointment of Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein, which took his diversity game to a whole ‘nother level.

“BOOM!” said Mayor Berke while throwing a fistful of glitter into the air, after introducing the new director of Diversity and Inclusion, who entered the stage in a wheelchair. “Did I just DIVERSI-BLAST you?”

“Ms. Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein will make a great team member, drawing from her experience as a wounded Iraq War veteran, principal chief of the Osage Tribe, director of the Anti-Defamation League, chairman of the NAACP, Japanese kabuki actress and winner of the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, which are just a few items from her impressive résumé,” said Berke.

“This one person represents 72 different minorities. Seriously, she is like freakin’ Cirque du Soleil and every single ad for the United Colors of Benetton wrapped up into one,” continued Berke.

Council members commended Berke’s appointment, including District 6 councilwoman Carol Berz, who said, “Berke just threw down, hardcore. This is some next level shit. It’s like he got his administration re-upholstered.”

Hamilton County Grand Jury recommends legalizing pot for those on jury duty

Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)
Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)
Earlier this week, the Hamilton County Grand Jury, consisting of randomly selected residents who serve a four-month term, released its Concurrent and Regular Grand Jury Reports containing observations and recommendations for the Hamilton County Criminal Court.

Among the comments, such as those pointing out that “educational programs that are provided for the [Silverdale Detention Facility] inmates are essential” and that “law enforcement as well as correctional officers…seemed more than just a little over weight,” was one suggestion that has been gaining a lot of attention locally over the last few days: legalizing small amounts of marijuana for those on jury duty.

Last year, Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana for recreational use, although this is in conflict with federal laws, which still classify cannabis as an illegal controlled substance.

The Grand Jury reports explained that jury duty is a long, often demanding service, with juries seeing typically between 500 and 600 cases in a term, several of which involve intense and disturbing circumstances involving homicide or rape.

Legalizing marijuana in small amounts for jury members would allow them to “take the edge off” of the often stressful jury duty service, allowing them to think more clearly and see more acutely with their mind’s eyes.

Just “one big-ass bowl of some primo Acapulco Gold” would be sufficient for the entire jury, according to the reports.

The reports also recommended that the Hamilton County Court System should provide to the jury each day either a case of Krystal burgers or crunchy Taco Bell tacos, in case the jury got the munchies.

Staff of Congressman Chuck Fleischmann Issues Statement about Viral Video

5-3-2012 Fleischmann image 2_HomePageSlideshow


taken from chuckforcongess.com

A video making its rounds on the Internet of Tennessee Third District Congressman Chuck Fleischmann, has led to a public statement released by his staff. The video, taken by YouTube user “Dave C”, includes the YouTube user asking Mr. Fleischmann his thoughts about CISPA. CISPA, or Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act would make it easier for the government to collect personal information from private corporations. The video in question can be seen here: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upjCuHB_3uU).

Statement as seen below:

From the Office of Chuck Fleischmann:

As many of you know, our boss Chucky aka Fleischmaster Flash aka Congressman Chuck Fleishmann, has been portrayed in a recent “internet” video as a man who simply does not care about the issues of the Tennessee people. I can assure you, nothing is further from the truth. Three simple words can sum up the congressmen’s actions in the video: Irritable bowel syndrome. Irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS, affects rough fifty-five million Americans living today, and is associated with a condition involving recurrent abdominal pain, random diarrhea, and painful constipation. The Congressman was simply having an “IBS flare-up” and had to rush to the nearest restroom facilities. In this case, the office of the Electric Power Board was the closest place to unload it. Reading such abominable comments towards the IBS suffering congressman is not only vexing, but down right despicable. How about you fucking imagine the feeling you would get of having a camera shoved in your face, while the threat of an emergency splattering shit lingers inside you. We hope this incident can be put behind us and the congressman looks forward to serving the fine people of Tennessee in the future.

And fuck you Mr. “Dave C”. Next time, hold the fucking camera long ways.

New City Council makes bombing illegal

City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)
City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)

The new Chattanooga City Council was praised for its quick, decisive action to make the act of bombing within city limits illegal, in the wake of the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing, when it was discovered today that it had been legal.

“Previous City Councils had totally dropped the ball on this,” said Councilman Ken Smith, standing over a huge, dusty book the size of an unabridged dictionary. “Before today, there was nothing in the rulebook that said you can’t make an improvised explosive device and detonate it within the city of Chattanooga.”

Within the span of one minute, the City Council deliberated the issue, drafted the new ordinance’s text and approved it unanimously, beating the previous record set when the business of fortunetelling using clairvoyance, necromancy or phrenology was made unlawful in 1986 (City Code Chapter 25, Section 25-9) in two minutes.

An additional six minutes were required for the City Council hunchback scribe, Lothar Silverbeard, to write the new ordinance in calligraphy in the official City Code tome.

“Also, there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that a chimpanzee in a clown suit riding a tiny motorcycle can’t run for public office, so we need to work on that next,” said Smith.

Mayor Berke appoints Basil Marceaux as Chief Advisor

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)
Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)
One day after being inaugurated as the mayor of Chattanooga, Andy Berke announced that Soddy-Daisy resident Basil Marceaux would serve in his administration as Chief Advisor, which was widely praised by both the media and constituents as being a brilliant move.

“In this constantly changing world, we need fresh, new strategies to deal with complicated issues that affect us and our families every single day,” said Berke at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

“With years of campaign experience and a diverse background as an entrepreneur, inventor and United States Marine, Marceaux will bring his valuable wisdom and innovative problem-solving skills to my team,” said Berke. “Few East Tennesseeans have received as much national attention as Marceaux has for his outside-the-box thinking and his original ideas.”

“We have many challenges ahead of us,” said Marceaux after taking the podium, to deafening applause. “I have already developed a five-point plan to identify the strengths of our new leadership and administrative structure, so that we can target our problems and tackle them with the most effective resources at our disposal.”

“The public has spoken, and it is clear that economic development, public safety and education are the key issues that need effective solutions,” said Marceaux with his typically articulate and coherent voice.

“It is my solemn vow to serve Andy Berke’s administration and the City of Chattanooga, to take action and help create a better world for a new generation of Chattanoogans, as sure as my name is Basil Marceaux dot com,” said Marceaux.

Anti-gang task force reveals strategy after watching Bugsy Malone: “We need more pies”

Custard pie (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)
Custard pie
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)

The anti-gang task force established under Mayor Ron Littlefield was advised by the incoming Mayor-elect Andy Berke’s administration that it would be dismantled before Berke’s April 15 inauguration, as Berke’s transition team is fleshing out its own new ideas for tackling Chattanooga’s gang issue.

As its last action, the anti-gang task force issued a final report regarding how to reduce gang violence, influenced by a recent viewing of the film Bugsy Malone at task force coordinator Preston Darridington’s apartment.

“This film Bugsy Malone was eye-opening for us. I taped it off HBO when they did one of their free preview weekends a few weeks ago. All of us on the task force agreed on one key strategy: we need more pies,” said Darridington. “Enormous custard pies. Believe it or not, our police force has absolutely no custard pies in its arsenal. None.”

Darridington referred to the 1976 film musical directed by Alan Parker, starring an all-child cast including Jodie Foster and Scott Baio set in the gang-ridden Prohibition era, as if it was a documentary film.

The purely fictional film simulates gun violence with G-rated weapons such as custard pies and “splurge guns” which shoot custard.

“We wish the Berke administration well, and we sincerely hope they will heed our advice. The future of our children depends on it,” said Darridington as he dropped the heavy 381-page report onto the podium and waved his VHS copy of Bugsy Malone in the air.

Obama calls Mayor-elect Andy Berke “best looking mayor” in nation

Andy Berke
Andy Berke

President Barack Obama is backpedaling after calling Chattanooga Mayor-elect Andy Berke the “best looking mayor” in the entire nation at a fundraising event in Nashville yesterday.

The President received wide-spread criticism from Republicans and from men’s rights groups for his comments, considered to be inappropriate.

“This is a fine, fine specimen,” said Obama, while closing his eyes and moving his head from side-to-side slowly.

“Just look at those rock-hard abs, that handsome smile, that head of hair. Mmm, mmm,” continued Obama, seemingly lost in a mid-day reverie.

“We are not pieces of meat,” said Braden Dowdington, the current President of the National Organization for Men (NOM). “We demand an apology from Obama immediately for his sexist remark.”

Andy Berke was modeling a photo spread for GQ magazine and could not be reached for comment.

Mystery man Don Bigfield chides Mayor-Elect Andy Berke at public forum

Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum
Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum

At a public forum hosted by Mayor-Elect and former 10th District State Senator Andy Berke regarding issues including economic development, public safety and education, a mysterious man by the name of Don Bigfield spouted harsh criticism for Berke, well before Berke’s inauguration date of April 15.

Five minutes into the forum, Bigfield, who wore a wig with long, black dreadlocks and over-sized Harry Potter-style glasses, blurted out, “So far, I haven’t heard one word about property taxes and storm water fees. How are you going to ensure that they aren’t too low?”

Holding a fingerstache to his upper lip, Bigfield loudly asked, “Why have you not developed a plan to establish an official Ron Littlefield Day yet?” referring to Chattanooga’s current mayor, who was not in attendance.

“Now there’s a good man,” Bigfield continued. “He sent me a Christmas card.”

After commenting that Chattanooga’s top priority is establishing a centralized resource center for homeless people, Bigfield pointed at Berke and said, with spittle flying from his lips, “You better get your act together, or people will try to recall you.”

Bigfield then pulled his cape over his face, threw a smoke bomb onto the ground, and disappeared.

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