Politics - Page 18

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Berke revealed a new 21st century initiative to reach young-adult constituents through homemade twerking videos posted to the Internet.

Berke unveiled his new Tumblr blog, entitled “Look At This Twerking Mayor,” which features a new, short video every weekday of Berke providing a positive message while twerking, which is the currently popular dance-based art form that involves the vigorous shaking of one’s buttocks.

“In this day and age, it is imperative that we explore new methods of communication while using the latest technology available to us,” said Berke. “Millions of people around the world watch twerking videos every single day, and we would be remiss to not take advantage of this popular medium for civic engagement.”

Berke played a few examples, including one video in which he says, “Transparency is essential in government for accountability and to build trust. My solemn vow is to have an administration that is as transparent as these clear plastic hot pants I’m wearing right now.”

In the video, Berke then turned away from the camera and proceeded to pop his booty for 15 seconds while looking over his shoulder directly at the camera with his lips pursed.

Another video featured Berke wearing Daisy Dukes with the letters “STEM” sewn to the rear. “Science, technology, engineering, math,” said Berke in the video. “They’re not just for nerds.”

Berke immediately began to gyrate rhythmically to the sounds of Tyga’s “Rack City.”

“I learned this move while at Stanford,” said Berke. “Would an ass like this lie to you?” he said, while gently spanking himself.

In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows coming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.