Politics – Page 18 – Chattanooga Bystander

Local NRA Chapter calls for the Arming of Bald Eagles

Published on May 23, 2013

After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds

Published on May 20, 2013

Culture/Politics

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

Published on May 17, 2013

Politics/Sports/Rec

UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.

Published on May 12, 2013

Culture/Politics

After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows coming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.

Mayor Berke takes diversity to next level by hiring Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein

Published on April 30, 2013

Politics

Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)

As Mayor Andy Berke continues to fill vacant positions in his administration, so far City Council members and constituents have praised the choices for their quality, expertise and diversity.

Leaving a crowd of reporters and Chattanooga residents in slack-jawed amazement, at a press conference yesterday afternoon Berke announced the appointment of Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein, which took his diversity game to a whole ‘nother level.

“BOOM!” said Mayor Berke while throwing a fistful of glitter into the air, after introducing the new director of Diversity and Inclusion, who entered the stage in a wheelchair. “Did I just DIVERSI-BLAST you?”

“Ms. Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein will make a great team member, drawing from her experience as a wounded Iraq War veteran, principal chief of the Osage Tribe, director of the Anti-Defamation League, chairman of the NAACP, Japanese kabuki actress and winner of the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, which are just a few items from her impressive résumé,” said Berke.

“This one person represents 72 different minorities. Seriously, she is like freakin’ Cirque du Soleil and every single ad for the United Colors of Benetton wrapped up into one,” continued Berke.

Council members commended Berke’s appointment, including District 6 councilwoman Carol Berz, who said, “Berke just threw down, hardcore. This is some next level shit. It’s like he got his administration re-upholstered.”

Hamilton County Grand Jury recommends legalizing pot for those on jury duty

Published on April 28, 2013

Politics

Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)

Earlier this week, the Hamilton County Grand Jury, consisting of randomly selected residents who serve a four-month term, released its Concurrent and Regular Grand Jury Reports containing observations and recommendations for the Hamilton County Criminal Court.

Among the comments, such as those pointing out that “educational programs that are provided for the [Silverdale Detention Facility] inmates are essential” and that “law enforcement as well as correctional officers…seemed more than just a little over weight,” was one suggestion that has been gaining a lot of attention locally over the last few days: legalizing small amounts of marijuana for those on jury duty.

Last year, Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana for recreational use, although this is in conflict with federal laws, which still classify cannabis as an illegal controlled substance.

The Grand Jury reports explained that jury duty is a long, often demanding service, with juries seeing typically between 500 and 600 cases in a term, several of which involve intense and disturbing circumstances involving homicide or rape.

Legalizing marijuana in small amounts for jury members would allow them to “take the edge off” of the often stressful jury duty service, allowing them to think more clearly and see more acutely with their mind’s eyes.

Just “one big-ass bowl of some primo Acapulco Gold” would be sufficient for the entire jury, according to the reports.

The reports also recommended that the Hamilton County Court System should provide to the jury each day either a case of Krystal burgers or crunchy Taco Bell tacos, in case the jury got the munchies.

Staff of Congressman Chuck Fleischmann Issues Statement about Viral Video

Published on April 23, 2013

Politics

taken from chuckforcongess.com

A video making its rounds on the Internet of Tennessee Third District Congressman Chuck Fleischmann, has led to a public statement released by his staff. The video, taken by YouTube user “Dave C”, includes the YouTube user asking Mr. Fleischmann his thoughts about CISPA. CISPA, or Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act would make it easier for the government to collect personal information from private corporations. The video in question can be seen here: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upjCuHB_3uU).

Statement as seen below:

From the Office of Chuck Fleischmann:

As many of you know, our boss Chucky aka Fleischmaster Flash aka Congressman Chuck Fleishmann, has been portrayed in a recent “internet” video as a man who simply does not care about the issues of the Tennessee people. I can assure you, nothing is further from the truth. Three simple words can sum up the congressmen’s actions in the video: Irritable bowel syndrome. Irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS, affects rough fifty-five million Americans living today, and is associated with a condition involving recurrent abdominal pain, random diarrhea, and painful constipation. The Congressman was simply having an “IBS flare-up” and had to rush to the nearest restroom facilities. In this case, the office of the Electric Power Board was the closest place to unload it. Reading such abominable comments towards the IBS suffering congressman is not only vexing, but down right despicable. How about you fucking imagine the feeling you would get of having a camera shoved in your face, while the threat of an emergency splattering shit lingers inside you. We hope this incident can be put behind us and the congressman looks forward to serving the fine people of Tennessee in the future.

And fuck you Mr. “Dave C”. Next time, hold the fucking camera long ways.

New City Council makes bombing illegal

Published on April 20, 2013

Politics

City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)

The new Chattanooga City Council was praised for its quick, decisive action to make the act of bombing within city limits illegal, in the wake of the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing, when it was discovered today that it had been legal.

“Previous City Councils had totally dropped the ball on this,” said Councilman Ken Smith, standing over a huge, dusty book the size of an unabridged dictionary. “Before today, there was nothing in the rulebook that said you can’t make an improvised explosive device and detonate it within the city of Chattanooga.”

Within the span of one minute, the City Council deliberated the issue, drafted the new ordinance’s text and approved it unanimously, beating the previous record set when the business of fortunetelling using clairvoyance, necromancy or phrenology was made unlawful in 1986 (City Code Chapter 25, Section 25-9) in two minutes.

An additional six minutes were required for the City Council hunchback scribe, Lothar Silverbeard, to write the new ordinance in calligraphy in the official City Code tome.

“Also, there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that a chimpanzee in a clown suit riding a tiny motorcycle can’t run for public office, so we need to work on that next,” said Smith.

Mayor Berke appoints Basil Marceaux as Chief Advisor

Published on April 17, 2013

Politics

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)

One day after being inaugurated as the mayor of Chattanooga, Andy Berke announced that Soddy-Daisy resident Basil Marceaux would serve in his administration as Chief Advisor, which was widely praised by both the media and constituents as being a brilliant move.

“In this constantly changing world, we need fresh, new strategies to deal with complicated issues that affect us and our families every single day,” said Berke at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

“With years of campaign experience and a diverse background as an entrepreneur, inventor and United States Marine, Marceaux will bring his valuable wisdom and innovative problem-solving skills to my team,” said Berke. “Few East Tennesseeans have received as much national attention as Marceaux has for his outside-the-box thinking and his original ideas.”

“We have many challenges ahead of us,” said Marceaux after taking the podium, to deafening applause. “I have already developed a five-point plan to identify the strengths of our new leadership and administrative structure, so that we can target our problems and tackle them with the most effective resources at our disposal.”

“The public has spoken, and it is clear that economic development, public safety and education are the key issues that need effective solutions,” said Marceaux with his typically articulate and coherent voice.

“It is my solemn vow to serve Andy Berke’s administration and the City of Chattanooga, to take action and help create a better world for a new generation of Chattanoogans, as sure as my name is Basil Marceaux dot com,” said Marceaux.

Anti-gang task force reveals strategy after watching Bugsy Malone: “We need more pies”

Published on April 7, 2013

Politics

Custard pie (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a) — Custard pie
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)

The anti-gang task force established under Mayor Ron Littlefield was advised by the incoming Mayor-elect Andy Berke’s administration that it would be dismantled before Berke’s April 15 inauguration, as Berke’s transition team is fleshing out its own new ideas for tackling Chattanooga’s gang issue.

As its last action, the anti-gang task force issued a final report regarding how to reduce gang violence, influenced by a recent viewing of the film Bugsy Malone at task force coordinator Preston Darridington’s apartment.

“This film Bugsy Malone was eye-opening for us. I taped it off HBO when they did one of their free preview weekends a few weeks ago. All of us on the task force agreed on one key strategy: we need more pies,” said Darridington. “Enormous custard pies. Believe it or not, our police force has absolutely no custard pies in its arsenal. None.”

Darridington referred to the 1976 film musical directed by Alan Parker, starring an all-child cast including Jodie Foster and Scott Baio set in the gang-ridden Prohibition era, as if it was a documentary film.

The purely fictional film simulates gun violence with G-rated weapons such as custard pies and “splurge guns” which shoot custard.

“We wish the Berke administration well, and we sincerely hope they will heed our advice. The future of our children depends on it,” said Darridington as he dropped the heavy 381-page report onto the podium and waved his VHS copy of Bugsy Malone in the air.

Politics - Page 18