Politics – Page 17 – Chattanooga Bystander

Recently fired TFP writer Drew Johnson lands job at North Georgia Busy Shopper

Published on August 2, 2013

Just 24 hours after his dismissal from the Chattanooga Times Free Press for his controversial headline about President Obama’s visit to Chattanooga, writer Drew Johnson announced he has been hired by the North Georgia Busy Shopper weekly publication.

“It’s been a dream of mine to write for a paper whose main objective is to find great deals on useless shit,” exclaimed Johnson. “I cannot thank the Times Free Press enough for canning my ass and allowing me to take this opportunity.”

Many believe Johnson’s firing was a consequence of his strong anti-Obama views, contrary to the Times Free Press’s reason of his changing the originally approved headline. Likewise, Johnson has become somewhat of a hero in the conservative news world, appearing on celebrity Mormon Glenn Beck’s House of Fun program and Fox News’s Fox and Pals.

Johnson hopes to get right to work with the Busy Shopper, as soon as he returns from his media circuit.

“We’re really excited for Mr. Johnson to join our team,” said Busy Shopper editor Nancy Bowls. “Here, there is no man to keep him down, mostly because we’re a predominantly female staff.”
photo: contributed

BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fuking dck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”

Published on August 1, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13/Politics

Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

Published on July 30, 2013

Education/Obamanooga '13/Politics

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

Mayor Berke to Commemorate 100 Days in Office with Feats of Strength

Published on July 22, 2013

Culture/Politics

In celebration of his first 100 days in office, Mayor Berke announced today that he would perform random acts of strength around the city of Chattanooga.

“While the first 100 days of assuming the role of Mayor have been productive and perplexing, I have found a bit of time to hit the gym and really bulk up,” proclaimed Berke, while removing his shirt and tie to expose a muscle shirt with “renew” printed across it.

“Everyday I am faced with many troubling questions surrounding the future of our great city, such as: ‘How does a such a great Mayor have such great abs?’ and ‘Do you even lift?’” said Berke.

Berke proceeded to challenge attendees of the press conference in arm wrestling matches, manhandling and defeating each with great ease.

“Ever since I have taken office some months, 917 chin-ups were conquered by utilizing these bad boys,” said Berke, while proceeding to kiss his left and right biceps.

“In my next 100 days as Mayor, I plan on shifting a great amount of focus on renewing our public transportation system,” said Berke. “What better way to kick this off than for all to witness as I pull this CARTA bus down Market Street using only my ripped, chiseled and muscular bod.”

Chattanooga to world: “You know what? F-ck birds”

Published on July 16, 2013

Politics

Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8hirVk)

The collective metropolitan Chattanooga populace articulated its complete disdain for all avian life in a written press release, addressed to the world yesterday.

“You know what? F-ck birds,” began the press release. “You are not welcome here, stinking up the place, crapping all over everything, squawking and strutting around like you own the place. Who crowned you cock of the walk?”

“F-ck urban chickens, f-ck Canadian geese, y’all can go screw yourselves,” continued the press release.

In recent news, the Chattanooga City Council upheld a ban on chickens within city limits, and 100 Canada geese that were removed from Chattanooga State Community College were euthanized by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services program.

“The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is seeking public input regarding when the opening day of the upcoming waterfowl hunting season should be,” said the press release. “You know what we told them? Waterfowl hunting should be allowed every goddamn day.”

“Remember when a few months ago, someone shot some bald eagles around here?” said the press release. “Back then, we all thought, ‘Geez, what an asshole.’ Now, we think that sumbitch had the right idea.”

“We are trying to bring the competitive eating Wing Bowl event to town,” said the press release. “We want that famous skinny Japanese competitive eater to come here and unleash a motherf-cking chicken-wing holocaust here in Chattanooga, Tennessee.”

“Two arms good, two wings bad,” concluded the press release.

Postponed July 4th fireworks to be combined with detonation of North Shore barge

Published on July 13, 2013

Business/Culture/Politics

Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)

Chattanooga residents were sorely disappointed when severe weather caused the annual Coolidge Park fireworks and outdoor concert to be cancelled, but the City of Chattanooga announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference a way to turn that disappointment into triumph, by combining a postponed fireworks display with the detonation of the controversial North Shore barge.

“This is a win-win situation,” said Mayor Berke to a crowd of reporters. “We will be able to celebrate Independence Day the way it was meant to be celebrated, plus, we will absolutely, completely obliterate that unsightly barge that has been an embarrassment to the North Shore.”

“We have the explosives,” said Berke. “A half-ton of dynamite, to be exact.”

The barge, moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium since 2009, was intended by Chattanooga businessman Allen Casey to be the location of a New Orleans-style steakhouse and bar, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has threatened to revoke Casey’s barge permit unless the barge is cleaned up and brought into compliance.

“Consider it revoked,” said City Manager Kris Viggs about the permit, to wild applause.

“This will be a wonderful, glorious display of colorful fireworks and shock-and-awe destruction,” said Viggs. “It will also be an opportunity to clean house. Anything you don’t want to see—urban chickens, Common Core standards protest signs, satirical news writers—anything that you want to go away, just put it on the barge.”

“Shit will get blowed up,” said Viggs. “I guarantee it.”

The press conference ended with the P.A. system playing a medley of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Neil Diamond’s “America” while Berke twerked vigorously to the music.

Mayor Berke posts twerking videos to reach young adults

Published on June 26, 2013

Culture/Politics

Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Berke revealed a new 21st century initiative to reach young-adult constituents through homemade twerking videos posted to the Internet.

Berke unveiled his new Tumblr blog, entitled “Look At This Twerking Mayor,” which features a new, short video every weekday of Berke providing a positive message while twerking, which is the currently popular dance-based art form that involves the vigorous shaking of one’s buttocks.

“In this day and age, it is imperative that we explore new methods of communication while using the latest technology available to us,” said Berke. “Millions of people around the world watch twerking videos every single day, and we would be remiss to not take advantage of this popular medium for civic engagement.”

Berke played a few examples, including one video in which he says, “Transparency is essential in government for accountability and to build trust. My solemn vow is to have an administration that is as transparent as these clear plastic hot pants I’m wearing right now.”

In the video, Berke then turned away from the camera and proceeded to pop his booty for 15 seconds while looking over his shoulder directly at the camera with his lips pursed.

Another video featured Berke wearing Daisy Dukes with the letters “STEM” sewn to the rear. “Science, technology, engineering, math,” said Berke in the video. “They’re not just for nerds.”

Berke immediately began to gyrate rhythmically to the sounds of Tyga’s “Rack City.”

“I learned this move while at Stanford,” said Berke. “Would an ass like this lie to you?” he said, while gently spanking himself.

Scottie Mayfield now ready for debates, ten months after primary election

Published on June 2, 2013

Politics

At a press conference last Friday afternoon, former Mayfield Dairy Farms president Scottie Mayfield announced that he was now ready to participate in debates for the Republican primary election for Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district, despite losing ten months ago to incumbent Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Tenn.)

Unbeknownst to Mayfield, he was defeated along with contender Weston Wamp by Fleischmann, who went on to win the general election last November against Democratic candidate Mary Headrick and Libertarian candidate Matthew Deniston.

Mayfield was widely criticized last year for refusing to participate in any debates with other candidates, leading some to conclude that he was not sufficiently knowledgeable about state and national politics to be a viable candidate.

“I’m ready to debate, so bring it on,” said the bow-tie-wearing Mayfield, while waving his hands toward himself. “Let’s talk about Medicare. Let’s talk about jobs. Let’s talk about the Teapot Dome scandal and the Spanish-American War. I have been studying like a champ, and my tutor said I’ve been making impressive progress.”

The Chattanooga Bystander spoke with Mayfield’s tutor, Faith Behlamy, who said, “None of us could bear to tell the poor old guy that he lost the primary. I didn’t teach him about election cycles and when elections take place yet, and I admit to withholding that info on purpose.”

“Could you blame me?” said Behlamy. “This is the best job I’ve ever had: $50 an hour to review flash cards with him, plus all the ice cream I can eat. I am milking these udders ’til they’re dry. I wish I had the heart to tell Scottie his expiration date has passed.”

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition

Published on May 29, 2013

Culture/Politics

In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

Published on May 24, 2013

Health/Politics

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house! Woop woop!”

Politics - Page 17