Politics - Page 17

Mayor Berke appoints Basil Marceaux as Chief Advisor

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)
Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)
One day after being inaugurated as the mayor of Chattanooga, Andy Berke announced that Soddy-Daisy resident Basil Marceaux would serve in his administration as Chief Advisor, which was widely praised by both the media and constituents as being a brilliant move.

“In this constantly changing world, we need fresh, new strategies to deal with complicated issues that affect us and our families every single day,” said Berke at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

“With years of campaign experience and a diverse background as an entrepreneur, inventor and United States Marine, Marceaux will bring his valuable wisdom and innovative problem-solving skills to my team,” said Berke. “Few East Tennesseeans have received as much national attention as Marceaux has for his outside-the-box thinking and his original ideas.”

“We have many challenges ahead of us,” said Marceaux after taking the podium, to deafening applause. “I have already developed a five-point plan to identify the strengths of our new leadership and administrative structure, so that we can target our problems and tackle them with the most effective resources at our disposal.”

“The public has spoken, and it is clear that economic development, public safety and education are the key issues that need effective solutions,” said Marceaux with his typically articulate and coherent voice.

“It is my solemn vow to serve Andy Berke’s administration and the City of Chattanooga, to take action and help create a better world for a new generation of Chattanoogans, as sure as my name is Basil Marceaux dot com,” said Marceaux.

Anti-gang task force reveals strategy after watching Bugsy Malone: “We need more pies”

Custard pie (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)
Custard pie
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)

The anti-gang task force established under Mayor Ron Littlefield was advised by the incoming Mayor-elect Andy Berke’s administration that it would be dismantled before Berke’s April 15 inauguration, as Berke’s transition team is fleshing out its own new ideas for tackling Chattanooga’s gang issue.

As its last action, the anti-gang task force issued a final report regarding how to reduce gang violence, influenced by a recent viewing of the film Bugsy Malone at task force coordinator Preston Darridington’s apartment.

“This film Bugsy Malone was eye-opening for us. I taped it off HBO when they did one of their free preview weekends a few weeks ago. All of us on the task force agreed on one key strategy: we need more pies,” said Darridington. “Enormous custard pies. Believe it or not, our police force has absolutely no custard pies in its arsenal. None.”

Darridington referred to the 1976 film musical directed by Alan Parker, starring an all-child cast including Jodie Foster and Scott Baio set in the gang-ridden Prohibition era, as if it was a documentary film.

The purely fictional film simulates gun violence with G-rated weapons such as custard pies and “splurge guns” which shoot custard.

“We wish the Berke administration well, and we sincerely hope they will heed our advice. The future of our children depends on it,” said Darridington as he dropped the heavy 381-page report onto the podium and waved his VHS copy of Bugsy Malone in the air.

Obama calls Mayor-elect Andy Berke “best looking mayor” in nation

Andy Berke
Andy Berke

President Barack Obama is backpedaling after calling Chattanooga Mayor-elect Andy Berke the “best looking mayor” in the entire nation at a fundraising event in Nashville yesterday.

The President received wide-spread criticism from Republicans and from men’s rights groups for his comments, considered to be inappropriate.

“This is a fine, fine specimen,” said Obama, while closing his eyes and moving his head from side-to-side slowly.

“Just look at those rock-hard abs, that handsome smile, that head of hair. Mmm, mmm,” continued Obama, seemingly lost in a mid-day reverie.

“We are not pieces of meat,” said Braden Dowdington, the current President of the National Organization for Men (NOM). “We demand an apology from Obama immediately for his sexist remark.”

Andy Berke was modeling a photo spread for GQ magazine and could not be reached for comment.

Mystery man Don Bigfield chides Mayor-Elect Andy Berke at public forum

Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum
Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum

At a public forum hosted by Mayor-Elect and former 10th District State Senator Andy Berke regarding issues including economic development, public safety and education, a mysterious man by the name of Don Bigfield spouted harsh criticism for Berke, well before Berke’s inauguration date of April 15.

Five minutes into the forum, Bigfield, who wore a wig with long, black dreadlocks and over-sized Harry Potter-style glasses, blurted out, “So far, I haven’t heard one word about property taxes and storm water fees. How are you going to ensure that they aren’t too low?”

Holding a fingerstache to his upper lip, Bigfield loudly asked, “Why have you not developed a plan to establish an official Ron Littlefield Day yet?” referring to Chattanooga’s current mayor, who was not in attendance.

“Now there’s a good man,” Bigfield continued. “He sent me a Christmas card.”

After commenting that Chattanooga’s top priority is establishing a centralized resource center for homeless people, Bigfield pointed at Berke and said, with spittle flying from his lips, “You better get your act together, or people will try to recall you.”

Bigfield then pulled his cape over his face, threw a smoke bomb onto the ground, and disappeared.

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