Politics - Page 16

Postponed July 4th fireworks to be combined with detonation of North Shore barge

Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)
Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)

Chattanooga residents were sorely disappointed when severe weather caused the annual Coolidge Park fireworks and outdoor concert to be cancelled, but the City of Chattanooga announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference a way to turn that disappointment into triumph, by combining a postponed fireworks display with the detonation of the controversial North Shore barge.

“This is a win-win situation,” said Mayor Berke to a crowd of reporters. “We will be able to celebrate Independence Day the way it was meant to be celebrated, plus, we will absolutely, completely obliterate that unsightly barge that has been an embarrassment to the North Shore.”

“We have the explosives,” said Berke. “A half-ton of dynamite, to be exact.”

The barge, moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium since 2009, was intended by Chattanooga businessman Allen Casey to be the location of a New Orleans-style steakhouse and bar, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has threatened to revoke Casey’s barge permit unless the barge is cleaned up and brought into compliance.

“Consider it revoked,” said City Manager Kris Viggs about the permit, to wild applause.

“This will be a wonderful, glorious display of colorful fireworks and shock-and-awe destruction,” said Viggs. “It will also be an opportunity to clean house. Anything you don’t want to see—urban chickens, Common Core standards protest signs, satirical news writers—anything that you want to go away, just put it on the barge.”

“Shit will get blowed up,” said Viggs. “I guarantee it.”

The press conference ended with the P.A. system playing a medley of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Neil Diamond’s “America” while Berke twerked vigorously to the music.

Mayor Berke posts twerking videos to reach young adults

Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)
Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Berke revealed a new 21st century initiative to reach young-adult constituents through homemade twerking videos posted to the Internet.

Berke unveiled his new Tumblr blog, entitled “Look At This Twerking Mayor,” which features a new, short video every weekday of Berke providing a positive message while twerking, which is the currently popular dance-based art form that involves the vigorous shaking of one’s buttocks.

“In this day and age, it is imperative that we explore new methods of communication while using the latest technology available to us,” said Berke. “Millions of people around the world watch twerking videos every single day, and we would be remiss to not take advantage of this popular medium for civic engagement.”

Berke played a few examples, including one video in which he says, “Transparency is essential in government for accountability and to build trust. My solemn vow is to have an administration that is as transparent as these clear plastic hot pants I’m wearing right now.”

In the video, Berke then turned away from the camera and proceeded to pop his booty for 15 seconds while looking over his shoulder directly at the camera with his lips pursed.

Another video featured Berke wearing Daisy Dukes with the letters “STEM” sewn to the rear. “Science, technology, engineering, math,” said Berke in the video. “They’re not just for nerds.”

Berke immediately began to gyrate rhythmically to the sounds of Tyga’s “Rack City.”

“I learned this move while at Stanford,” said Berke. “Would an ass like this lie to you?” he said, while gently spanking himself.

Scottie Mayfield now ready for debates, ten months after primary election

Scottie Mayfield
Scottie Mayfield

At a press conference last Friday afternoon, former Mayfield Dairy Farms president Scottie Mayfield announced that he was now ready to participate in debates for the Republican primary election for Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district, despite losing ten months ago to incumbent Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Tenn.)

Unbeknownst to Mayfield, he was defeated along with contender Weston Wamp by Fleischmann, who went on to win the general election last November against Democratic candidate Mary Headrick and Libertarian candidate Matthew Deniston.

Mayfield was widely criticized last year for refusing to participate in any debates with other candidates, leading some to conclude that he was not sufficiently knowledgeable about state and national politics to be a viable candidate.

“I’m ready to debate, so bring it on,” said the bow-tie-wearing Mayfield, while waving his hands toward himself. “Let’s talk about Medicare. Let’s talk about jobs. Let’s talk about the Teapot Dome scandal and the Spanish-American War. I have been studying like a champ, and my tutor said I’ve been making impressive progress.”

The Chattanooga Bystander spoke with Mayfield’s tutor, Faith Behlamy, who said, “None of us could bear to tell the poor old guy that he lost the primary. I didn’t teach him about election cycles and when elections take place yet, and I admit to withholding that info on purpose.”

“Could you blame me?” said Behlamy. “This is the best job I’ve ever had: $50 an hour to review flash cards with him, plus all the ice cream I can eat. I am milking these udders ’til they’re dry. I wish I had the heart to tell Scottie his expiration date has passed.”

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition


In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

traffic camera“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house!  Woop woop!”

Local NRA Chapter calls for the Arming of Bald Eagles


After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

NRA-logo“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds

Alan Golds Nightclub
Alan Golds Nightclub

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)
UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.


After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows cotennesseeriverstsming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.

Mayor Berke takes diversity to next level by hiring Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein

Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
As Mayor Andy Berke continues to fill vacant positions in his administration, so far City Council members and constituents have praised the choices for their quality, expertise and diversity.

Leaving a crowd of reporters and Chattanooga residents in slack-jawed amazement, at a press conference yesterday afternoon Berke announced the appointment of Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein, which took his diversity game to a whole ‘nother level.

“BOOM!” said Mayor Berke while throwing a fistful of glitter into the air, after introducing the new director of Diversity and Inclusion, who entered the stage in a wheelchair. “Did I just DIVERSI-BLAST you?”

“Ms. Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein will make a great team member, drawing from her experience as a wounded Iraq War veteran, principal chief of the Osage Tribe, director of the Anti-Defamation League, chairman of the NAACP, Japanese kabuki actress and winner of the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, which are just a few items from her impressive résumé,” said Berke.

“This one person represents 72 different minorities. Seriously, she is like freakin’ Cirque du Soleil and every single ad for the United Colors of Benetton wrapped up into one,” continued Berke.

Council members commended Berke’s appointment, including District 6 councilwoman Carol Berz, who said, “Berke just threw down, hardcore. This is some next level shit. It’s like he got his administration re-upholstered.”