From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.
UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.
Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.
Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.
“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”
“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”