Politics - Page 15

Mayor Berke puts up “Help Wanted” signs to find next Police Chief

"Help Wanted" sign for Police Chief search
“Help Wanted” sign for Police Chief search
After Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd retired at the end of 2013, Mayor Andy Berke put together a search committee in order to find Dodd’s permanent replacement, and yesterday, the City Council made a controversial decision to approve funding of up to $39,000 to a Washington, D.C.-based research organization for a nationwide candidate search.

While some praised the decision, citing the need to find the most qualified person for the job, others criticized it, saying that the Police Chief should be a local person who understands the challenges of the community and is familiar with the local government.

Addressing the criticism directly, Mayor Berke assured constituents that the search would be conducted locally, as well as nationally, by creating “Help Wanted” signs and posting them around town.

“I hit Frazier Avenue pretty hard today,” said Berke, who was holding a staple gun and a roll of transparent tape. “I’m going to hand out some flyers at the show at JJ’s tonight, too. You never know – that punk rocker you see with the gauged ears and pierced septum just might be the next Police Chief.”

Weston Wamp’s semen announces 2040 Congressional run

Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp's semen (r)
Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp’s semen (r)

Weston Wamp, the son of former U.S. Representative for Tennessee’s 3rd District Zach Wamp, mounted a campaign in 2012 to run for the same office at the age of 25, which is the minimum age allowed for a person to run for the House of Representatives.

While opponents and critics frequently mentioned Wamp’s young age and lack of experience, supporters extolled his intelligence and fresh vision, and ultimately, Wamp lost the Republican primary election to Chuck Fleischmann, who currently holds the seat.

At a press conference today, Weston Wamp’s semen made the bold announcement that it is planning to run in the 2040 Congressional race, which is the earliest election for which it would be eligible to run.

Wamp’s seminal fluid, which was stored in an Erlenmeyer flask, presented its vision for the future of Chattanooga and the U.S.A. and made a vow to represent all voices and keep the city, state and nation moving in the right direction.

While many were impressed by the microscopic sperm, dressed in a tiny blazer and dress shirt with the top button unbuttoned, others were skeptical, with Wamp’s semen leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.

“This is just another hot-shot gamete who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone,” said radio commentator Lewis Ramseur. “I mean, come on, he hasn’t even fertilized an ovum, yet.”

Local swingers propose “Friends With Benefits” ordinance

Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/92tpuv)
Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/92tpuv)

On November 12, the City Council of Chattanooga passed the first reading of a controversial ordinance that would allow unmarried domestic partners of city employees – regardless of sexual orientation – to receive benefits such as medical, dental, vision and life insurance.

While the ordinance, which narrowly passed with a 5 to 4 vote, was met with praise in addition to intense criticism, a group has emerged with its own proposal that would take the ordinance to another level.

Local swingers have banded together and drafted an even more inclusive ordinance, called the “Friends With Benefits” ordinance, which would extend benefits to all adult sexual partners of city employees.

“We swingers are all about spreading the love,” said swinger representative, Vern Scheerin, at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Swingers need love. And insurance. And herpes medication.”

Scheerin, sporting a mustache, gold chain and a halfway-unbuttoned butterfly-collar paisley shirt, acknowledged that some employees might attempt to take advantage of the system, but he said that the ordinance is written in a such a way to reduce abuse.

“Before a city employee’s f-ck buddy can receive benefits, there must first be proof that actual, consensual penetration has occurred,” said Scheerin. “That random make-out partner you dry-humped while trashed on Natural Light, behind a Hooters in Myrtle Beach on spring break – nope, that doesn’t count.”

“According to this proposed ordinance, the proof may be in the form of a notarized affidavit with sworn statements from both persons or photographic documentation, which I will personally review,” said Scheerin, before licking his lips.

Littlefield glad he is no longer considered worst mayor ever

Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/l4trkgf)
Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/l4trkgf)

After a tumultuous week for Toronto mayor Rob Ford, with shocking revelations including admitting to the use of illicit drugs and leaked video footage with Ford making drunken vows to murder an unidentified person, former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield expressed relief that he was no longer considered to be the worst mayor ever.

The embattled Littlefield endured constant criticism during his two terms as mayor of Chattanooga and was subjected to an ultimately unsuccessful recall campaign coordinated by three groups: the Chattanooga Tea Party, Chattanooga Organized for Action and Citizens to Recall Mayor Littlefield.

“Thank goodness I won’t go down in history as being the worst mayor ever,” said Littlefield. “And all it took was an alcoholic, drunk-driving, crack-smoking, belligerent, death-threat-making, sexist, racist, homophobic Canuck who talks about going down on his wife on live television.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais is Uncle Fester for Halloween

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais, who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district, was praised by his constituents on Halloween for his convincing portrayal of the character Uncle Fester from the mid-’60s television show The Addams Family.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said DesJarlais, who seemed to be annoyed by the many people who were pointing at him and laughing. “I’m not dressed up as anything.”

“Stop. Please stop,” said DesJarlais, who turned and walked away from a crowd of people who gave him a light bulb and asked him to put it in his mouth so they could pose for photos with him.

“This is what I normally look like,” said DesJarlais, visibly flustered. “I can’t help it!”

Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual.

“Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the wool over your eyes. The wool vest, to be specific.”

“My opponent in the election back in March, Manny Rico, claimed that I ran on the platform of being gay,” said Anderson. “I vehemently denied it at the time, but actually, he was right. My little ruse has been years in the planning, and what can I say, it paid off.”

“There are negative stereotypes, and then there are positive stereotypes,” said Anderson. “For example, there are the stereotypes that Jews have good financial sense and that Asians are good at math and science.”

“I totally took advantage of the positive stereotypes attributed to gay people – that homosexuals are smarter, more creative, artistic and sophisticated than average people,” said Anderson. “And I rode that stereotype to victory.”

“Here is my real partner, Staci,” said Anderson, standing beside his tall, platinum blond girlfriend. “She’s a massage therapist by day and a bartender at the Electric Cowboy by night.”

“I’m just a poon-loving breeder, like most of y’all,” said Anderson.

Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo

Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley

After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive.

However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that Emmer and Cooley should be reinstated as officers, saying that they were following Chattanooga Police policy and behaving according to their training, to apprehend a violent criminal on cocaine.

Mayor Andy Berke, all City Council members and police Chief Bobby Dodd opposed the ruling, but new developments have emerged which give the pair of former policemen options for their future.

This past Monday, news was released that Emmer and Cooley were offered jobs at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp, where their “dedicated, unrelenting vigor” would be useful when interrogating international prisoners, outside U.S. legal jurisdiction, but the federal government shutdown put the job offerings on hold.

This proved to be a minor setback, since at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that Emmer and Cooley would star as themselves as a crime-fighting duo in a scripted sitcom pilot episode for the Spike cable network.

“Fun for the whole family, the new show Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers presents the hilarious antics of the two cops as fish out of water: two good ol’ Southern boys on the mean streets of New York City,” said Spike representative, Martin Willstom.

“Cooley will star as a fictionalized adaptation of himself, playing the chatty, wisecracking Adam ‘The Cooler’ Cooley,” said Willstom. “He’s a former bouncer with a Master’s degree in literature who quotes from classic novels and poetry at unexpected times, for comedic effect.”

“Emmer stars as Sean ‘The Freezer’ Emmer, a former Tennessee Titans linebacker, known for his hulking figure and droll, chilly demeanor,” said Willstom. “When he’s fed up with his partner’s hijinks, he says ‘Cool it, Cooley!’ which is a catchphrase that you will never get tired of hearing.”

The pilot episode, which has yet to be filmed, features a story where Emmer and Cooley bust an international jewel-smuggling ring, which culminates in a side-splitting scene where the two employ their catfish noodling skills to retrieve stolen diamonds swallowed by large exotic fish in a millionaire playboy’s giant aquarium.

“Emmer and Cooley will use their ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine to gain valuable information from suspects,” said Willstom. “However, it’s not entirely clear if they’re good cops, strictly following police procedures and training guidance, or bad cops, using excessive force with bloodcurdling brutality.”

Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers is a laugh-out-loud, wacky comedy that’ll tickle your funny bone, right before it breaks it,” said Willstom.

Local man commemorates 50th anniv. of MLK’s “Dream” speech by eating shrimp at Lamar’s

Lamar's Restaurant on MLK Blvd.
Lamar’s Restaurant on MLK Blvd.

Fifty years ago today, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his immortal “I Have a Dream” speech as part of the March on Washington, and Chattanooga resident, UTC senior and lacrosse team goalie Preston Maxwell Rawlings III commemorated the occasion by eating enormous fried shrimp at the MLK Blvd. restaurant Lamar’s.

“Thank you, Rev. King,” said Rawlings, after devouring a giant shrimp and taking a sip of a stiff whiskey sour. “I salute you.”

“I just felt like I had to stand in solidarity with my figurative brothers and sisters, here on MLK Blvd. on this special day,” said Rawlings, after feeding the jukebox in order to play the entirety of Prince’s 1984 album Purple Rain. “Racism really really sucks.”


Mayor Berke solves late-night event hall problem: “After-party at my crib, y’all”

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/mr5grat)
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/mr5grat)

Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.

“This violence must end immediately, and the event hall problem needs an answer that is both effective and practical,” said Berke. “I have come up with a solution that will work, without any additional cost to taxpayers: after-party at my crib, y’all.”

“That’s right, I am opening up my sweet-ass party pad and baller mansion to the public,” said Berke, who was met with thunderous applause.

Berke’s safe and secure after-hours party mansion features 8,000 square feet of space, a lagoon-style salt-water swimming pool with two spas, and numerous specialty rooms, including a hookah room, a jungle room with exotic animals including two Komodo dragons, and a screening room that shows on a continuous loop the film Boogie Nights, which is reportedly Berke’s favorite movie.

However, the centerpiece of Berke’s celebration station is a spacious dance floor which features four American Apparel models who serve as go-go dancers, Berke’s resident DJ Zizzurp, who is also the soundman for Major Lazer, and a female Hungarian acrobat/contortionist who performs suspended from the ceiling.

“You may have heard stories about my legendary parties, and now you’ll see for yourself,” said Berke. “Welcome to Cirque du Berke!”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais tells 11-year-old girl there is no Santa Claus

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
At a Rutherford County town hall meeting last week, U.S. Rep. Scott DesJarlais told an 11-year-old girl that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, as part of a bizarre rant that began after she asked DesJarlais if anything could be done to stop her father, an undocumented immigrant, from being deported.

Responding to the girl’s question, DesJarlais said, “We have laws, and we need to follow those laws, and that’s where we’re at,” which was met with cheers and applause from the audience.

Then DesJarlais proceeded to deliver a seemingly interminable stream of pointed statements, directed at the little girl.

“Oh yeah, there’s no Santa Claus, too,” said DesJarlais. “You know who sets out those Christmas presents and eats those cookies you lay out? Your mother and father. Well, this next Christmas, it’ll just be your mother.”

“Also, you know what?” said DesJarlais. “Even if you study hard all through school and do your best, there’s a chance that in a couple of years you might just get knocked up by a deadbeat boyfriend. Or you might be forced into a loveless, soul-crushing marriage.”

“Is your favorite film Good Will Hunting?” asked DesJarlais. “Because it looks like you’ve been hunting at Goodwill for that dress you’re wearing.”

“In your face, little girl!” said DesJarlais. “BOO-YEAH!”