Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.
Responding to the girl’s question, DesJarlais said, “We have laws, and we need to follow those laws, and that’s where we’re at,” which was met with cheers and applause from the audience.
Then DesJarlais proceeded to deliver a seemingly interminable stream of pointed statements, directed at the little girl.
“Oh yeah, there’s no Santa Claus, too,” said DesJarlais. “You know who sets out those Christmas presents and eats those cookies you lay out? Your mother and father. Well, this next Christmas, it’ll just be your mother.”
“Also, you know what?” said DesJarlais. “Even if you study hard all through school and do your best, there’s a chance that in a couple of years you might just get knocked up by a deadbeat boyfriend. Or you might be forced into a loveless, soul-crushing marriage.”
“Is your favorite film Good Will Hunting?” asked DesJarlais. “Because it looks like you’ve been hunting at Goodwill for that dress you’re wearing.”
“In your face, little girl!” said DesJarlais. “BOO-YEAH!”
It’s a summer afternoon in North Chattanooga, and a man in a wool, slate-gray pinstriped double-breasted suit stands unflinchingly in the 90-degree heat; his commanding figure is completed by an ink-black necktie and a matching silk display handkerchief, and below his obsidian sunglasses, his lips slowly kiss his Dunhill cigarette like it was his bride on their wedding day and liberate a series of perfect smoke rings, which wax steadily before dissipating in the still, dry air.
With one graceful motion, he flicks the spent cigarette butt into oblivion and says to his team of three police officers, “Let’s cock-a-doodle-do this.”
He nods his head to the poised officers, who suddenly descend upon a Tremont St. house like bats out of hell.
“Police! Police! Chicken strike force!” barks the man, while holding out a badge toward the house’s front door.
“I’m cool, man, I ain’t got no chickens,” says a wavering voice from within the house.
“Wanna play chicken, do ya?” replies the man in the suit.
An officer at the side of the house yells out, “Coop spotted! Coop spotted!” as the other officers join him and run into the backyard.
The man in the suit squints his eyes, forms a small, devious smile and says, “You picked the wrong person to cluck with,” as the squawks of terrified chickens are heard in the distance.
The man is Webb “The Eggman” Wegman, the latest addition to the Chattanooga Police and the head of the newly formed Chicken Strike Force, created to crack down on the scourge of illegal chickens within Chattanooga city limits.
Wegman’s last beat was “cock-blocking,” as Wegman refers to it, on the mean streets of Chicago, apprehending both cockfighting gambling rings and the growing menace of urban chicken farmers, tied in with the seedy underbelly of Chicago’s organic-egg black market.
After a bust of a massive cockfighting ring which resulted in the tragic death of his wife at the hands of vengeful bookies and a rooster-inflicted eye injury, which made his distinctive sunglasses a medical necessity at all times, Wegman accepted an honorable discharge from the force a year ago, but as the foremost expert on cock-blocking in the nation, the Chattanooga Police Department made him an offer he just couldn’t refuse.
“I guess I’m back for another one of those cock-blocking beats,” says Wegman.
It’s another day with the Chicken Strike Force on the streets of Chattanooga, and something seems to be bothering Wegman, who looks agitated while walking in front of an unassuming East Brainerd house.
Typically, the Chicken Strike Force receives anonymous tips regarding illegal urban chickens, but sometimes, Wegman’s uncanny intuition and heightened senses can sniff out an illicit coop.
“I suspect fowl play,” says Wegman, while directing his piercing stare toward the house. “You’re about to see why they call me ‘The Eggman.'”
Wegman walks to his unmarked squad car and takes out a worn and weathered Louisville Slugger baseball bat, on which the words “OMELET MAKER” are written in block letters.
“You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs,” says Wegman.
He unlatches the gate to the backyard of the house and makes a beeline to a small mound in the far corner, covered by a dark green tarp.
A woman wearing a floral-print muumuu emerges from the house and briskly walks behind Wegman, saying, “I don’t have any chickens, if that’s what you’re looking for, officer.”
Wegman grabs the tarp and throws it dramatically, revealing several nests filled with eggs.
“No chickens, you say?” says Wegman. “Well, here’s egg on your face.”
Wegman violently brings his baseball bat down on the eggs, covering both himself and the woman with flying bits of eggshell and yolk as the woman cries out, “No! No!”
“Who are you?” asks the woman, visibly shaken.
“I am the Eggman,” says Wegman, solemnly. “Goo goo ga joob.”
At a press conference yesterday held by the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Managing Editor Ashley Sechalles explained that the recent firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson was simply an enforcement of the longstanding policy that strictly disallows the use of Johnny Paycheck quotes or references in any articles for the paper.
Johnson had altered the headline for an editorial, critical of President Barack Obama, from “Keep your jobs plan to yourself, Mr. President” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President,” making a reference to country music star Johnny Paycheck’s 1977 hit recording of the David Allen Coe song “Take This Job and Shove It.”
“Time and time again, we have made it clear to our writers and reporters that no Johnny Paycheck references or quotes are to ever be used,” said Sechalles. “Doing so goes against both the AP Stylebook and The Chicago Manual of Style, and even Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style has an entire chapter about avoiding Johnny Paycheck quotes.”
“This firing is not unprecedented,” said Sechalles. “We had to fire one reporter ten years ago for the title of an article about weddings for morbidly obese people, called ‘Will you take this blob and love it?'”
Just 24 hours after his dismissal from the Chattanooga Times Free Press for his controversial headline about President Obama’s visit to Chattanooga, writer Drew Johnson announced he has been hired by the North Georgia Busy Shopper weekly publication.
“It’s been a dream of mine to write for a paper whose main objective is to find great deals on useless shit,” exclaimed Johnson. “I cannot thank the Times Free Press enough for canning my ass and allowing me to take this opportunity.”
Many believe Johnson’s firing was a consequence of his strong anti-Obama views, contrary to the Times Free Press’s reason of his changing the originally approved headline. Likewise, Johnson has become somewhat of a hero in the conservative news world, appearing on celebrity Mormon Glenn Beck’s House of Fun program and Fox News’s Fox and Pals.
Johnson hopes to get right to work with the Busy Shopper, as soon as he returns from his media circuit.
“We’re really excited for Mr. Johnson to join our team,” said Busy Shopper editor Nancy Bowls. “Here, there is no man to keep him down, mostly because we’re a predominantly female staff.”
Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.
The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”
During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.
“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”
“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.
The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.
“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”
“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”
Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.
In celebration of his first 100 days in office, Mayor Berke announced today that he would perform random acts of strength around the city of Chattanooga.
“While the first 100 days of assuming the role of Mayor have been productive and perplexing, I have found a bit of time to hit the gym and really bulk up,” proclaimed Berke, while removing his shirt and tie to expose a muscle shirt with “renew” printed across it.
Berke proceeded to challenge attendees of the press conference in arm wrestling matches, manhandling and defeating each with great ease.
“Ever since I have taken office some months, 917 chin-ups were conquered by utilizing these bad boys,” said Berke, while proceeding to kiss his left and right biceps.
“In my next 100 days as Mayor, I plan on shifting a great amount of focus on renewing our public transportation system,” said Berke. “What better way to kick this off than for all to witness as I pull this CARTA bus down Market Street using only my ripped, chiseled and muscular bod.”
The collective metropolitan Chattanooga populace articulated its complete disdain for all avian life in a written press release, addressed to the world yesterday.
“You know what? F-ck birds,” began the press release. “You are not welcome here, stinking up the place, crapping all over everything, squawking and strutting around like you own the place. Who crowned you cock of the walk?”
“F-ck urban chickens, f-ck Canadian geese, y’all can go screw yourselves,” continued the press release.
In recent news, the Chattanooga City Council upheld a ban on chickens within city limits, and 100 Canada geese that were removed from Chattanooga State Community College were euthanized by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services program.
“The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is seeking public input regarding when the opening day of the upcoming waterfowl hunting season should be,” said the press release. “You know what we told them? Waterfowl hunting should be allowed every goddamn day.”
“Remember when a few months ago, someone shot some bald eagles around here?” said the press release. “Back then, we all thought, ‘Geez, what an asshole.’ Now, we think that sumbitch had the right idea.”
“We are trying to bring the competitive eating Wing Bowl event to town,” said the press release. “We want that famous skinny Japanese competitive eater to come here and unleash a motherf-cking chicken-wing holocaust here in Chattanooga, Tennessee.”
“Two arms good, two wings bad,” concluded the press release.
Chattanooga residents were sorely disappointed when severe weather caused the annual Coolidge Park fireworks and outdoor concert to be cancelled, but the City of Chattanooga announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference a way to turn that disappointment into triumph, by combining a postponed fireworks display with the detonation of the controversial North Shore barge.
“This is a win-win situation,” said Mayor Berke to a crowd of reporters. “We will be able to celebrate Independence Day the way it was meant to be celebrated, plus, we will absolutely, completely obliterate that unsightly barge that has been an embarrassment to the North Shore.”
“We have the explosives,” said Berke. “A half-ton of dynamite, to be exact.”
The barge, moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium since 2009, was intended by Chattanooga businessman Allen Casey to be the location of a New Orleans-style steakhouse and bar, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has threatened to revoke Casey’s barge permit unless the barge is cleaned up and brought into compliance.
“Consider it revoked,” said City Manager Kris Viggs about the permit, to wild applause.
“This will be a wonderful, glorious display of colorful fireworks and shock-and-awe destruction,” said Viggs. “It will also be an opportunity to clean house. Anything you don’t want to see—urban chickens, Common Core standards protest signs, satirical news writers—anything that you want to go away, just put it on the barge.”
“Shit will get blowed up,” said Viggs. “I guarantee it.”
The press conference ended with the P.A. system playing a medley of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Neil Diamond’s “America” while Berke twerked vigorously to the music.