Politics - Page 15

Both pro-union and anti-union campaigns offer promise of handjobs to VW workers

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Volkswagen and UAW logos
Volkswagen and UAW logos

From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.

UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.

Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.

Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.

“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”

“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”

Councilman Chris Anderson to be recalled for not being “Gay Enough”

In the coming days, residents of Chattanooga’s District 7 community are set to bring forth a petition to recall elected councilman Chris Anderson, for what citizens are calling “promises made he failed to keep.”

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

Anderson was elected in March of 2013 over incumbent Manny Rico.

“When we elected Mr. Anderson, we were promised someone who we believed would embody the spirit of LGBT community,” said East Lake resident Clearance Baker. “I have yet to see any confetti cannons, glitter bombs, or ass-less chaps from our Councilman, and that just ain’t right.”

Anderson was very vocal about his support of domestic benefits for same sex couples in the area. Critics of Anderson believed he should have been more “flamboyant” in his stance.

“Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a wonderful man and could probably do some good for our community,” exclaimed Baker, “but at least he could throw on a pink wig or oversized sparkling sunglasses in the process.”

City Council bans snow

Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)
Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)

Tuesday’s unexpected snowfall disrupted Chattanooga with a mere two inches of snow, prompting early school and business closings and causing widespread traffic jams, and facing widespread discontent regarding how the crisis was handled, the City Council of Chattanooga held an emergency meeting yesterday evening to draft an ordinance to ban any future snow, which passed by unanimous vote.

In a written statement, the City Council said, “Tuesday’s massive Snowpocalypse clusterf-ck could have been avoided, and it’s important to be proactive, not reactive, and tackle difficult problems at the source.”

“That’s why we have decreed that snow is no longer welcome in Chattanooga, and there will be stiff penalties for any violators,” said the City Council. “We’ve got our eyes on you, snow, and don’t think that you’re off the hook just yet, sleet and hail.”

“Mother Nature can go suck a lemon,” said the City Council.

Mother Nature was not available for comment.

Marion County to install traffic cams to track aggressive bicyclists

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Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)
Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)

Residents of Marion County were rocked by the news that two teens in a truck were terrorized by what could only be described as a deranged bicyclist who wielded a camera-phone and touched the truck’s bumper with his hand, and inspired by the Lookout Mountain community, which recently raised money to install license-plate-reading cameras to combat burglaries, Marion County is planning on installing cameras in order to specifically track aggressive bicyclists.

“Those poor kids,” said Marion County resident Reba Sillvagh. “They were just out for a leisurely Saturday drive on Raccoon Mountain, pleasantly cozying up to bicyclists really close on the road and warmly greeting them by revving the engine and tooting air horns, and then this one bicyclist just goes nuts and starts calling the cops and taking pictures of them.”

“They must have been so afraid,” said Sillvagh. “So afraid, that they went home, picked up some more friends, got in another vehicle, found the bicyclist and then pepper-sprayed him.”

“These traffic cameras are state-of-the-art, able to zero in on renegade bicyclists – and only bicyclists – with pinpoint accuracy,” said Marion County Police Chief Derek Druckerson.

“We’ll be able to track their every move and see every detail on them,” said Druckerson. “These high-resolution cameras can even pick up that disturbing pelvic bulge visible through their cycling skinsuit.”

Mayor Berke puts up “Help Wanted” signs to find next Police Chief

"Help Wanted" sign for Police Chief search
“Help Wanted” sign for Police Chief search
After Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd retired at the end of 2013, Mayor Andy Berke put together a search committee in order to find Dodd’s permanent replacement, and yesterday, the City Council made a controversial decision to approve funding of up to $39,000 to a Washington, D.C.-based research organization for a nationwide candidate search.

While some praised the decision, citing the need to find the most qualified person for the job, others criticized it, saying that the Police Chief should be a local person who understands the challenges of the community and is familiar with the local government.

Addressing the criticism directly, Mayor Berke assured constituents that the search would be conducted locally, as well as nationally, by creating “Help Wanted” signs and posting them around town.

“I hit Frazier Avenue pretty hard today,” said Berke, who was holding a staple gun and a roll of transparent tape. “I’m going to hand out some flyers at the show at JJ’s tonight, too. You never know – that punk rocker you see with the gauged ears and pierced septum just might be the next Police Chief.”

Weston Wamp’s semen announces 2040 Congressional run

Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp's semen (r)
Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp’s semen (r)

Weston Wamp, the son of former U.S. Representative for Tennessee’s 3rd District Zach Wamp, mounted a campaign in 2012 to run for the same office at the age of 25, which is the minimum age allowed for a person to run for the House of Representatives.

While opponents and critics frequently mentioned Wamp’s young age and lack of experience, supporters extolled his intelligence and fresh vision, and ultimately, Wamp lost the Republican primary election to Chuck Fleischmann, who currently holds the seat.

At a press conference today, Weston Wamp’s semen made the bold announcement that it is planning to run in the 2040 Congressional race, which is the earliest election for which it would be eligible to run.

Wamp’s seminal fluid, which was stored in an Erlenmeyer flask, presented its vision for the future of Chattanooga and the U.S.A. and made a vow to represent all voices and keep the city, state and nation moving in the right direction.

While many were impressed by the microscopic sperm, dressed in a tiny blazer and dress shirt with the top button unbuttoned, others were skeptical, with Wamp’s semen leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.

“This is just another hot-shot gamete who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone,” said radio commentator Lewis Ramseur. “I mean, come on, he hasn’t even fertilized an ovum, yet.”

Local swingers propose “Friends With Benefits” ordinance

Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/92tpuv)
Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/92tpuv)

On November 12, the City Council of Chattanooga passed the first reading of a controversial ordinance that would allow unmarried domestic partners of city employees – regardless of sexual orientation – to receive benefits such as medical, dental, vision and life insurance.

While the ordinance, which narrowly passed with a 5 to 4 vote, was met with praise in addition to intense criticism, a group has emerged with its own proposal that would take the ordinance to another level.

Local swingers have banded together and drafted an even more inclusive ordinance, called the “Friends With Benefits” ordinance, which would extend benefits to all adult sexual partners of city employees.

“We swingers are all about spreading the love,” said swinger representative, Vern Scheerin, at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Swingers need love. And insurance. And herpes medication.”

Scheerin, sporting a mustache, gold chain and a halfway-unbuttoned butterfly-collar paisley shirt, acknowledged that some employees might attempt to take advantage of the system, but he said that the ordinance is written in a such a way to reduce abuse.

“Before a city employee’s f-ck buddy can receive benefits, there must first be proof that actual, consensual penetration has occurred,” said Scheerin. “That random make-out partner you dry-humped while trashed on Natural Light, behind a Hooters in Myrtle Beach on spring break – nope, that doesn’t count.”

“According to this proposed ordinance, the proof may be in the form of a notarized affidavit with sworn statements from both persons or photographic documentation, which I will personally review,” said Scheerin, before licking his lips.

Littlefield glad he is no longer considered worst mayor ever

Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/l4trkgf)
Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/l4trkgf)

After a tumultuous week for Toronto mayor Rob Ford, with shocking revelations including admitting to the use of illicit drugs and leaked video footage with Ford making drunken vows to murder an unidentified person, former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield expressed relief that he was no longer considered to be the worst mayor ever.

The embattled Littlefield endured constant criticism during his two terms as mayor of Chattanooga and was subjected to an ultimately unsuccessful recall campaign coordinated by three groups: the Chattanooga Tea Party, Chattanooga Organized for Action and Citizens to Recall Mayor Littlefield.

“Thank goodness I won’t go down in history as being the worst mayor ever,” said Littlefield. “And all it took was an alcoholic, drunk-driving, crack-smoking, belligerent, death-threat-making, sexist, racist, homophobic Canuck who talks about going down on his wife on live television.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais is Uncle Fester for Halloween

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Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais, who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district, was praised by his constituents on Halloween for his convincing portrayal of the character Uncle Fester from the mid-’60s television show The Addams Family.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said DesJarlais, who seemed to be annoyed by the many people who were pointing at him and laughing. “I’m not dressed up as anything.”

“Stop. Please stop,” said DesJarlais, who turned and walked away from a crowd of people who gave him a light bulb and asked him to put it in his mouth so they could pose for photos with him.

“This is what I normally look like,” said DesJarlais, visibly flustered. “I can’t help it!”

Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual.

“Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the wool over your eyes. The wool vest, to be specific.”

“My opponent in the election back in March, Manny Rico, claimed that I ran on the platform of being gay,” said Anderson. “I vehemently denied it at the time, but actually, he was right. My little ruse has been years in the planning, and what can I say, it paid off.”

“There are negative stereotypes, and then there are positive stereotypes,” said Anderson. “For example, there are the stereotypes that Jews have good financial sense and that Asians are good at math and science.”

“I totally took advantage of the positive stereotypes attributed to gay people – that homosexuals are smarter, more creative, artistic and sophisticated than average people,” said Anderson. “And I rode that stereotype to victory.”

“Here is my real partner, Staci,” said Anderson, standing beside his tall, platinum blond girlfriend. “She’s a massage therapist by day and a bartender at the Electric Cowboy by night.”

“I’m just a poon-loving breeder, like most of y’all,” said Anderson.