Politics - Page 14

New Police Chief must have ability to sing National Anthem, Berke declares

Hamilton County Deputy Sheriff singing National Anthem
Hamilton County Deputy Sheriff singing National Anthem

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Andy Berke provided a status update regarding the search for the new Chattanooga Police Chief after former Chief Bobby Dodd retired last December, mentioning that the candidate list has been whittled down to fewer than 20 applicants and that the new Chief must have the ability to sing the National Anthem.

“The butchering of the National Anthem by a Hamilton County deputy sheriff several years ago is still fresh upon our minds,” said Berke. “We must never, ever let this happen again, for the sake of our city’s reputation, and so our children can hold their heads up high when speaking about their hometown.”

Berke was referring to the viral video of a poor delivery of the National Anthem with incorrect lyrics that gained widespread notoriety across the nation, even making Time magazine’s top ten list of “Worst National-Anthem Renditions” before the deputy was able to perform a “do over” on Good Morning America earlier this year, aided by Dierks Bentley.

In addition to having ample police leadership experience, a bachelor’s degree and knowledge about violence reduction programs, the new Police Chief will be judged by a panel of local music industry experts, American Idol-style, in a live televised singing competition.

“We should have high expectations for our next Police Chief,” said Berke. “We would expect no less in the land of the brave, and the home of the free.”

Councilman Hakeem suggests replacing public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages

Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2MUd1k)
Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2MUd1k)

It has been a turbulent week for Chattanooga City Council Chairman Yusuf Hakeem, whose invitation to a Monday meeting to discuss a possible public voucher program in partnership with Millennium Taxi to augment inner-city transportation was rejected by Transportation Administrator Blythe Bailey.

Bailey declined attending the meeting over concerns that selecting a particular vendor early in the policy discussion might be a violation of city purchasing policies, and Hakeem responded to this by recommending that Bailey’s position be defunded because of “blatant disrespect.”

Hakeem has since radically changed his original proposal, which also included a suggestion to reduce the operating hours of the free downtown shuttle to expand usage of non-free Millennium Taxi rides, and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Hakeem recommended replacing all public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages.

“This is the wave of the future,” said Hakeem. “In recent months, Chattanooga has been blessed with the addition of not one, but two different companies offering pedal-powered carriage tours between local bars and brewpubs, Chattanooga Brew Choo and Pints and Pedals.”

“This is a win-win situation,” said Hakeem. “People will get more exercise, local pubs will get more business, and this is a totally 100% green, environmentally friendly solution.”

Local alcoholics praised Hakeem’s recommendation, which could mean the proliferation of bars throughout the city so that all neighborhoods, churches and schools could be accessible via pub-crawl pedal carriages.

Fleischmann to endorse Mayfield Dairy products

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann
Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After Scottie Mayfield endorsed 3rd District Congressional Representative Chuck Fleischmann this morning for the upcoming election, despite being rivals in the 2012 election, Fleischmann returned the favor by formally endorsing Mayfield Dairy products.

“Everyone knows that quid pro quo arrangements are how anything gets done in politics,” said Fleischmann, wearing a sweater bearing the Mayfield Dairy Farms logo. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

“There’s nothing like starting the day with a tall glass of delicious, ice cold Mayfield milk,” said Fleischmann. “Look for the yellow jug, which guarantees freshness and quality by blocking harmful light rays.”

“Who can resist a bowl of Mayfield ice cream on a hot summer day? Mmm, mmm,” said Fleischmann, while rubbing his stomach in a circular motion. “My favorite flavor is Butter Pecan, and with all-natural flavors, it’s the classic taste that you grew up with.”

“Sure, you might be thinking that I don’t know a lot about dairy farming, and you’d be right,” said Fleischmann. “Well, Scottie didn’t exactly know a lot about politics, so it’s a fair trade.”

God puts Wysong’s prayer for Anderson’s recall at bottom of priority list


With the effort to recall District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson currently lagging behind the goal to gather around 1,600 signatures, having only gathered around 300 signatures so far, Chattanooga Tea Party member Charles Wysong, who is aiding the recall effort, turned to God for help, saying, “Prayer and fasting is in order…My prayer is ‘For Your name’s sake, give us the victory in this recall of Chris Anderson.'”

After receiving Wysong’s prayer, God reportedly said, “What is this bullshit? Who does this Me-damn yahoo think he is?”

While the recall effort claims that Anderson isn’t adequately doing his job, allies of Anderson believe that he is being targeted by conservatives because he is openly gay.

“Really, are you f-cking kidding me?” said God, before rolling his eyes. “There’s political turmoil and war, children starving to death and hundreds of thousands of people dying of malaria, and you’re praying for this?”

God sighed.

“OK, well, put it on the list, way down at the very bottom,” said God to his personal assistant, Marilyn Monroe. “I’ll evaluate it when I get around to it.”

Wysong’s prayer was numbered # 792,841,551,949,277 on God’s priority list, right below “Prayer by 10-year-old Benny Jannin in Salina, Kansas asking for a real lightsaber and a pet dinosaur.”

Chattanooga shootings up, crime down due to poor marksmanship

Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4VPRVn)
Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4VPRVn)

The City of Chattanooga announced new statistics, showing that while the number of shootings has increased, crime has actually decreased, which has been attributed to declining marksmanship skills.

“There are more guns out there and more rounds being fired than ever,” said interim Chattanooga Police Chief Brett Laemmel. “But these drunk hillbillies and gang bangers can’t shoot for shit, thank goodness.”

Mayor Andy Berke’s Violence Reduction Initiative was assembled as a targeted strategy to prevent crime by giving prominent gang leaders an ultimatum to either clean up their act or be prepared to go to prison, but the current trend of lower crime and increasingly poor marksmanship in the area is attributed to an earlier, decades-old FBI effort that worked in conjunction with Hollywood filmmakers in order to influence criminals and gang members and their shooting styles.

“You know the sideways gangsta grip?” said Laemmel. “That was an invention by the FBI. Sure, it looks badass, but it is pretty worthless when it comes to targeting accuracy.”

“The FBI also paid off film director John Woo,” said Laemmel. “They knew that it is nearly impossible to get a good shot while jumping sideways, firing pistols in both hands, with a bunch of doves all around you.”

Code for America Chattanooga announces successful hack of former Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL account.


Earlier today, a spokesman for the Chattanooga 2014 Code for America project announced their first big accomplishment for the year.

The announcement comes just mere weeks after the initial meet up with local coders and government officials alike.

codeforaol“We believe city government transparency reaches far beyond current high level office holders,” explained Chattanooga Code for America spokesman Douglas Toddman aka rogueneo69. “That is why I am proud to announce we have successfully hacked former Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL password.”

Mayor Berke tapped the Code for America group in 2013 to help Chattanooga in reaching three of his top goals for the area – safer streets, civic engagement, and uncover greasy shit on the Internet.

“I believe Chattanooga citizens have the right to know what Nigerian Prince money transfers and penis enlargement pills that past and present city Mayors partake in,” said current Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

“We’re excited about the new projects Mayor Berke has brought to the table,” said Toddman.” All I can say is any councilman with a Christian Mingle account, you best watch your ass.”

Both pro-union and anti-union campaigns offer promise of handjobs to VW workers

Volkswagen and UAW logos
Volkswagen and UAW logos

From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.

UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.

Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.

Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.

“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”

“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”

Councilman Chris Anderson to be recalled for not being “Gay Enough”

In the coming days, residents of Chattanooga’s District 7 community are set to bring forth a petition to recall elected councilman Chris Anderson, for what citizens are calling “promises made he failed to keep.”

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

Anderson was elected in March of 2013 over incumbent Manny Rico.

“When we elected Mr. Anderson, we were promised someone who we believed would embody the spirit of LGBT community,” said East Lake resident Clearance Baker. “I have yet to see any confetti cannons, glitter bombs, or ass-less chaps from our Councilman, and that just ain’t right.”

Anderson was very vocal about his support of domestic benefits for same sex couples in the area. Critics of Anderson believed he should have been more “flamboyant” in his stance.

“Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a wonderful man and could probably do some good for our community,” exclaimed Baker, “but at least he could throw on a pink wig or oversized sparkling sunglasses in the process.”

City Council bans snow

Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)
Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)

Tuesday’s unexpected snowfall disrupted Chattanooga with a mere two inches of snow, prompting early school and business closings and causing widespread traffic jams, and facing widespread discontent regarding how the crisis was handled, the City Council of Chattanooga held an emergency meeting yesterday evening to draft an ordinance to ban any future snow, which passed by unanimous vote.

In a written statement, the City Council said, “Tuesday’s massive Snowpocalypse clusterf-ck could have been avoided, and it’s important to be proactive, not reactive, and tackle difficult problems at the source.”

“That’s why we have decreed that snow is no longer welcome in Chattanooga, and there will be stiff penalties for any violators,” said the City Council. “We’ve got our eyes on you, snow, and don’t think that you’re off the hook just yet, sleet and hail.”

“Mother Nature can go suck a lemon,” said the City Council.

Mother Nature was not available for comment.

Marion County to install traffic cams to track aggressive bicyclists

Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)
Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)

Residents of Marion County were rocked by the news that two teens in a truck were terrorized by what could only be described as a deranged bicyclist who wielded a camera-phone and touched the truck’s bumper with his hand, and inspired by the Lookout Mountain community, which recently raised money to install license-plate-reading cameras to combat burglaries, Marion County is planning on installing cameras in order to specifically track aggressive bicyclists.

“Those poor kids,” said Marion County resident Reba Sillvagh. “They were just out for a leisurely Saturday drive on Raccoon Mountain, pleasantly cozying up to bicyclists really close on the road and warmly greeting them by revving the engine and tooting air horns, and then this one bicyclist just goes nuts and starts calling the cops and taking pictures of them.”

“They must have been so afraid,” said Sillvagh. “So afraid, that they went home, picked up some more friends, got in another vehicle, found the bicyclist and then pepper-sprayed him.”

“These traffic cameras are state-of-the-art, able to zero in on renegade bicyclists – and only bicyclists – with pinpoint accuracy,” said Marion County Police Chief Derek Druckerson.

“We’ll be able to track their every move and see every detail on them,” said Druckerson. “These high-resolution cameras can even pick up that disturbing pelvic bulge visible through their cycling skinsuit.”
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