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Sen. Corker and wife have victory sex after VW announcement

Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth
Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth

After Volkswagen announced yesterday that it would manufacture its new SUV, the CrossBlue, in Chattanooga, Senator Bob Corker and his wife Elizabeth celebrated by having victory sex.

“It’s time, baby,” mouthed Corker to his wife standing offstage, shortly after Volkswagen’s news conference in Wolfsburg, Germany, where Mayor Andy Berke, Hamilton County Mayor Jim Coppinger and Governor Bill Haslam were also in attendance.

Six months ago, while Volkswagen workers in Chattanooga were deciding whether or not to have union representation from the United Auto Workers, Corker stated that he was “…assured that should the workers vote against the UAW, Volkswagen will announce in the coming weeks that it will manufacture its new mid-size SUV here in Chattanooga.”

Volkswagen disputed the claim, and Corker received criticism for possibly swaying workers unfairly to vote against the UAW – criticism which mounted when no such announcement from Volkswagen emerged in the following weeks.

Feeling vindicated, Corker and his wife had vigorous, triumphant coitus last evening, according to reports.

Political analysts stated that this was one of the more notable examples of celebratory politician intercourse in the new millennium, alongside George W. and Laura Bush’s post-Iraq-invasion hardcore banging and Barack and Michelle Obama’s six-hour fuckfest after the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.

New Police Chief gets non-traditional 21-gun salute during first week of job

Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)

Chattanooga’s new Police Chief Fred Fletcher was greeted during his first official week on the job with a non-traditional 21-gun salute.

“Welcome to Chattanooga!” said an unnamed resident wearing pantyhose over his head, before discharging all rounds of a Glock pistol while waving it around, as part of the unsanctioned salute.

During this particularly bloody week, with a startling total of nine gunshot victims, Fletcher worked 15-hour days without time to even unpack his gear after assuming his new role.

“If I were him, I’d be thinking, ‘What kind of crazy-ass town have I moved to?'” said resident Antonio Travers.

Gov. Haslam approves “Death By Chocolate” for executions

Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4Aszpw)
Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4Aszpw)

On Thursday, Gov. Bill Haslam approved legislation that would permit the alternate execution method of “Death By Chocolate” for death row inmates in the situation where it is not possible to obtain the drugs used for lethal injections.

The law was drafted because of the increasing difficulty that states have been facing regarding obtaining lethal injection drugs, primarily from European pharmaceutical companies, due to the negative attitudes the companies have toward capital punishment.

Anti-death penalty advocates have claimed that the law is unconstitutional and would qualify as being “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“There is nothing cruel about being bathed in rich, creamy milk chocolate,” said Haslam. “Some would call it luxurious, and I can’t think of a more humane – and delicious – way to die.”

The legislation specified that “Death By Chocolate” would not necessarily count as an inmate’s last meal request.

Corker, Google tell businesses without websites to “ask your kids how to do it”

Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)
Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)

On Monday at Miller Plaza, Senator Bob Corker and experts from Google told local small businesses that did not have websites to ask their kids to help set them up.

“In Tennessee, 59 percent of all small businesses don’t yet have a website,” said Corker. “For heaven’s sake, just ask your kids how to do it. This isn’t rocket science, people.”

“If you don’t have kids, then ask your nieces and nephews, or your neighbor’s kids,” said Corker. “Working with computers is just second nature to kids today, and I bet they’d do it for a package of Oreos and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.”

“Theoretically, anyone who has basic computer skills and can read and follow simple directions can make a daggum website,” said Corker. “But if that’s still too difficult, then just make your kids do it for you.”

When asked where a person could find directions on creating a website, Corker rolled his eyes and said, “Let me Google that for you.”

Weston Wamp wears Google Glass to record all conversations

Google Glass (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/p3elgtm)
Google Glass (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/p3elgtm)

After Google made available for sale to the public its wearable computer Google Glass earlier this week, in its beta “Explorer” edition, Republican Congressional candidate for Tennessee’s 3rd District Weston Wamp announced that he had purchased one, in order to record all conversations.

Wamp received criticism when on March 15, at a visit to former opponent Scottie Mayfield’s house, he secretly recorded his conversation with Mayfield and Mayfield’s wife Lisa on his iPhone when attempting to earn Mayfield’s endorsement, later informing Mayfield by text message, “To protect myself, I have recorded my conversation with you and Lisa.”

“It is imperative, to keep Tennessee and our nation competitive, that we explore the latest technology,” said Wamp at a press conference yesterday, where he sported the optical head-mounted display. “And I am leading the way, being the first Congressional candidate to vow to wear Google Glass at all times.”

“Recording one conversation offers me a little protection, so recording all of my conversations will maximize my protection,” said Wamp. “Anyone who is running against a dishonest congressman who has already been sued for defamation of character would do the same thing.”

“This is exciting news,” said local technology enthusiast Margareta Kaskel. “I want to be a part of history, by voting for the first Glasshole Congressman.”

After the press conference, Wamp tilted his head upward and said, “O.K. Glass, get directions to Dave & Buster’s.”

Chuck Fleischmann endorsed by two prominent Mayfield Dairy Cows.

A week after two renowned war veterans expressed support for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional nominee Weston Wamp, two former Mayfield Dairy cows announced their support for Wamp’s opponent Chuck Fleischmann.

The two dairy cows were once suppliers for former nominee and recent Fleischmann supporter/bromamce partner Scotty Mayfield’s family business.

fleischmann-cows2“While being a war hero is a highly honorable and commendable accomplishment, I’m sure having a part of the body squeezed over and over throughout the day is comparable to being in the shit,”  said Fleishmann, while proceeding to extract a steady stream of milk from one cow’s udder into his mouth.

City Council to skirt open meetings laws by speaking in Pig Latin

Chattanooga fountain (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9FMU25)
Chattanooga fountain (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9FMU25)

After the Chattanooga City Council was lectured on Tuesday by state attorney Elisha Hodge of the Office of Open Records Counsel regarding how the council violated Tennessee open meetings laws, members of the council started to use alternate communication methods, such as speaking in Pig Latin, to skirt the current rules.

“Sometimes, we want to discuss matters that we simply don’t want the public to know about,” said the City Council in a written statement.

“For example, which council member has three nipples, which one made out with their blood-related cousin back in high school, and which one has a tattoo of Cheech and Chong on their butt,” said the statement. “One face on each cheek.”

Last week, the council discussed the city’s $24 million streetlight replacement program behind closed doors, even forcing a reporter to leave.

The council first claimed that the attorney-client privilege protected it, then said that audit-related discussions were private and finally maintained that the meeting was an information session, after Hodge refuted the first claims.

“Everyone in government says they are for transparency,” said the statement. “But really, we prefer translucency, like a paper wrapper around a hamburger that has been left in a car all afternoon, soaked with grease so you can kind of, sort of see through it.”

Observers noted that council members began to obscure their communication after Hodge’s clarification of the law by using various methods, such as using code names and spelling out words, while keeping the meeting open to the public.

“I was totally bewildered by what they were saying,” said Chattanooga resident Albert Bodmann, who was in attendance. “One of them said something like, ‘izmay odgehay ancay itebay emay.'”

Basil Marceaux defeats incumbent Jim Coppinger in Hamilton County Mayoral primary

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)
Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)

In what was projected to be an easy victory for Republican incumbent Jim Coppinger in the Hamilton County Mayoral primary election today, vote counts have shown a clear victory for challenger Basil Marceaux.

Marceaux has received national attention for being a perennial candidate with unconventional viewpoints, and he is a resident of Soddy Daisy, a former Marine and businessman who has fought against “traffic stop slavery,” car emissions testing and gold fringes on flags.

If elected to political office, Marceaux has vowed to move the Tennessee capital from Nashville to Chattanooga, force all citizens to carry guns and deport anyone who looks “like a Mexican.”

Marceaux will face independent candidate Richard Ford in the mayoral election in August.

City considers light rail system for people too stuck-up to ride the bus

Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)
Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)

The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus.

“Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.”

“You see, people generally think trains are romantic,” said Hearrin. “They think they’ll meet some cute French girl or hunky dude on the train, bond over some philosophical bullshit discussion and then fall in love, like in the movie Before Sunrise.”

“But when people think of buses, they think about that guy who went nuts and decapitated and cannibalized a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada, a few years ago,” said Hearrin. “Also, people think others will assume they’re poor, if they ride the bus.”

“I think a light rail system is a great idea,” said resident Patrick Hardcastle. “I used to ride the bus, because I wanted to ‘accidentally’ meet that hot chick whose photo is on the CARTA website homepage, but I have never actually seen her on a bus. I just hope one day I’ll meet her on a train.”

CARTA website
CARTA website

Mayor Berke’s State of the City speech namechecks every resident of Chattanooga

Mayor Andy Berke (Modified under the CC-BY-NC-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fqUWSz)
Mayor Andy Berke (Modified under the CC-BY-NC-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fqUWSz)

One year after taking office, Mayor Andy Berke gave his “State of the City” address at the Chattanoogan Hotel yesterday, providing a detailed status report in which he mentioned all 171,279 residents of Chattanooga individually.

“Friends and neighbors, at my inauguration, I said that the Chattanooga story is not a single story, but a vast tome of numerous individual stories full of hope and resilience, with challenges along the way,” said Berke. “Today, I’m going to tell you these stories. All of them.”

“I want to tell you about Abbie Aaron, a single mother of three,” said Berke. “She told me that she has to work three jobs to make ends meet and has to depend on the bus to get around.”

“I listened to the story of Abe Aaron, no relation to Abbie,” said Berke. “He served our country in the first Iraq War, and now he volunteers his time to coach Little League.”

“At Ooltewah High School, I sat down with Zelda Zummo,” said Berke, seven hours after beginning his speech. “She won first place at the state science fair, and she’s college-bound this fall, studying to be an engineer.”

“That’s everybody,” said Berke. “We are Chattanooga. All 171,279 of…uh…wait…I have just been informed that a baby was just born at Erlanger, so I’m going over there now to talk with the baby.”

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