Politics - Page 13

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

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Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.

EPB admits to overcharging city $1.2 mil for moonlight

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Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)
Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)

After a recent audit investigating billing discrepancies made by EPB when billing the city of Chattanooga for power service, EPB representatives admitted that it had overcharged the city $1.2 million for moonlight.

Chattanooga officials were disappointed to learn that EPB, which is owned by the city of Chattanooga, had grossly inflated the price of moonlight, which is light from the sun reflected off the moon during the evening hours.

“We trust that EPB will correct their wrongs and charge us a fair price in the future,” said Chattanooga official Robin Neddison. “Despite this, at least we know that Tennessee American Water is giving us a fair market value when they bill us for having them make it rain.”

Chattanooga launches website to track city smells

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Chattadata web site
Chattadata web site

Yesterday, the office of Mayor Andy Berke unveiled a new website to track various city performance metrics including crime rate, economic development, literacy and unpleasant smells.

The chronic displeasing odors throughout the city have been challenging problems to tackle, sometimes overshadowing the city’s successes, and Chattanooga’s putrid stenches have received national attention, including the article “The Not-So-Sweet Smell of Success” in Automobile magazine.

At first, the website will have three odor focus areas–the North Shore sewer stench, the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken processing plant and the Moccasin Bend wastewater treatment plant–but may expand to include more areas in the future, and other non-smell-related metrics may also be added, such as the number of knocked-down signs.

East Ridge to offer free Wi-Fi by holding activities at McDonald’s

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McDonald's (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2xi5uZ)
McDonald’s (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2xi5uZ)

After the city of Chattanooga announced plans last week to provide free Wi-Fi Internet access in city buildings and public areas, the bordering city of East Ridge in Hamilton County also revealed its plan to offer free Wi-Fi service by holding all meetings, city-related business and civic activities inside McDonald’s restaurants.

The giant fast-food restaurant chain McDonald’s offers free Wi-Fi access at most of its locations, like other establishments such as Starbucks Coffee and Panera Bread.

“With the state of the economy as it is today and the lack of gainful employment, we are finding ourselves both eating more at budget fast-food restaurants and working there more,” said East Ridge Mayor Brent Lambert at a press conference. “Therefore, it makes sense to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi already provided at McDonald’s restaurants, for the city of East Ridge to conduct its business.”

Reportedly, Mayor Lambert had a mayor-to-mayor meeting with Mayor McCheese last week in order to confirm that this new arrangement in East Ridge would be acceptable for all involved.

In order to accommodate all citizens who wish to attend the bi-weekly City Council meetings, the meetings will be held at the PlayPlace playground ball pit at the McDonald’s on Ringgold Rd, and weekly City Court sessions will be held at the same location, with Officer Big Mac in attendance to provide security.

Local police dept. receives surplus aircraft carrier from Pentagon

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USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier
USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier

Since the early 1990s, the Pentagon has transferred a significant amount of surplus military equipment to state and local police departments as part of its “Department of Defense Excess Property Program,” and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that the Chattanooga Police department would receive an aircraft carrier from the program, to aid local law enforcement.

In the last eight years alone, tens of thousands of machine guns have been provided to police across the nation by the Pentagon, in addition to weapons such as grenade launchers, body armor and night-vision equipment and vehicles including aircraft and armored cars.

The acquisition of the surplus aircraft carrier USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) was deemed a major victory for the local police force, although it comes at a time when the use of military equipment in law enforcement is facing harsh criticism, after the high-profile protests in Ferguson, Mo.

The aircraft carrier is expected to initially take the place of the dilapidated North Shore barge this fall, after the aircraft carrier aids in its obliteration, and subsequently, it may be used to patrol the Tennessee River along the Chattanooga Riverwalk.

In addition to modern weaponry, the Chattanooga Police department will also receive older equipment, such as catapults, bayonets and howitzers, to aid its crime-fighting efforts to apprehend shoplifters, marijuana dealers and other criminals.

Election wrap-up: Fleischmann begins 2-year-long nap, Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

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Chuck Fleischmann
Chuck Fleischmann
* Victorious 3rd Congressional District Rep. Chuck Fleischmann begins another two-year-long nap

* Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

* Unopposed 3rd Congressional District Democratic candidate Mary Headrick narrowly wins

* 4th Congressional District race too close to call – Rep. Scott DesJarlais urges opponent state Sen. Jim Tracy’s mother to have 231st trimester abortion

* Of course, domestic partnership ordinance defeated, this is freakin’ Tennessee, what did you think?

New music venue, airport, street preacher, howler monkey farm coming to Southside

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Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/RhrKz)
Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/RhrKz)

After Southside residents voiced complaints about noise levels from nearby music venues and establishments, some were surprised to learn that a new, proposed Chattanooga noise ordinance would not only raise acceptable decibel levels but also extend the permitted hours later into the evening.

The ordinance draft comes on the heels of the announcement of a new 500-person music venue as part of an entertainment complex on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo campus.

Coincidentally, it was also announced to the dismay of noise-averse Southside residents that several more Main Street additions were forthcoming, including an airport, a shooting range, a vuvuzela academy and a howler monkey farm.

Furthermore, the street preacher Angela Cummings, who infamously delivered disruptive outdoor fire-and-brimstone sermons last year on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, announced that she would be moving her pulpit to a street corner on the Southside.

These additions would be a part of the new “Noise District” that would encompass the area between 4th Street and Main Street, and the district is expected to boost the local revenue of earplug and sleeping pill vendors by $19 million annually.

Santorum gushes for Weston Wamp

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Weston Wamp
Weston Wamp

Santorum profusely and passionately gushed, aimed at 3rd Congressional District Republican candidate Weston Wamp, it was announced this morning.

“This overflowing outpouring of Santorum is something I have desired for a long time,” said Wamp. “I’m so pleased – is it all over my face? I just want to eat it all up.”

“I hope I’ll be seeing a lot of Santorum,” said Wamp. “There is a lot to do. It is time to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty.”

Sen. Corker and wife have victory sex after VW announcement

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Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth
Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth

After Volkswagen announced yesterday that it would manufacture its new SUV, the CrossBlue, in Chattanooga, Senator Bob Corker and his wife Elizabeth celebrated by having victory sex.

“It’s time, baby,” mouthed Corker to his wife standing offstage, shortly after Volkswagen’s news conference in Wolfsburg, Germany, where Mayor Andy Berke, Hamilton County Mayor Jim Coppinger and Governor Bill Haslam were also in attendance.

Six months ago, while Volkswagen workers in Chattanooga were deciding whether or not to have union representation from the United Auto Workers, Corker stated that he was “…assured that should the workers vote against the UAW, Volkswagen will announce in the coming weeks that it will manufacture its new mid-size SUV here in Chattanooga.”

Volkswagen disputed the claim, and Corker received criticism for possibly swaying workers unfairly to vote against the UAW – criticism which mounted when no such announcement from Volkswagen emerged in the following weeks.

Feeling vindicated, Corker and his wife had vigorous, triumphant coitus last evening, according to reports.

Political analysts stated that this was one of the more notable examples of celebratory politician intercourse in the new millennium, alongside George W. and Laura Bush’s post-Iraq-invasion hardcore banging and Barack and Michelle Obama’s six-hour fuckfest after the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.

New Police Chief gets non-traditional 21-gun salute during first week of job

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Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)

Chattanooga’s new Police Chief Fred Fletcher was greeted during his first official week on the job with a non-traditional 21-gun salute.

“Welcome to Chattanooga!” said an unnamed resident wearing pantyhose over his head, before discharging all rounds of a Glock pistol while waving it around, as part of the unsanctioned salute.

During this particularly bloody week, with a startling total of nine gunshot victims, Fletcher worked 15-hour days without time to even unpack his gear after assuming his new role.

“If I were him, I’d be thinking, ‘What kind of crazy-ass town have I moved to?'” said resident Antonio Travers.

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