Sly McGiness – Chattanooga Bystander

Editorial: I have COVID-19 and I’m JACKED for the Chattanooga freedom rally

Published on April 19, 2020

If you’re like me and love freedom, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to stay home and doing your reps in your shitty one-car garage. It seems like only yesterday I was in the gym getting swole with my bros. This is probably where I got this so-called “COVID-19”.

My bro, who I will call J-Dawg for privacy purposes, was complaining of some fever and shortness of breath bullshit. We all know Jake isn’t a wuss, so he hit the garage gym anyway. Because we are all fuckin’ jacked and ripped, we like to lift with our mouths. Now we usually wipe down the bars in between turns, but a bunch of fuckin’ Karens bought up all the wipes at the Food City so the blood, sweat, urine, and saliva had to remain.

A week later, I’m sitting here on my lift seat, typing this out with a fever, and I can’t taste a damn thing in this protein shake. It’s bullshit. A fellow bro told me I should get tested for this coronavirus or whatever so I drove my sweet ass 2009 Mustang Convertable thru a drive thru testing place. Some doctor stuck a long ass qtip in my nose then called me later and told me I was sick. I told them of course I’m fuckin siccckk, but they said I have the coronavirus or ‘rona if you’re cool and i should stay home or some bullshit.

All this time in isolation without being able to hit up Planet Fitness, Buds, GNC, Disney World, the former Electric Cowboy to pay my respects, and Hamilton Skate Place made me realize the government is holding us down. What can only be called a miracle, I heard there was a rally happening today to protest the government’s tyrannical ways. I may feel like shit, but you bet my swole ass ill be there.

Now I keep hearing things about flattening the curve. The only curve being flattened is my biceps from not lifting. The government WILL NOT take this away from me. I will be at this protest. I WILL demand my rep to allow me to rep.

To all my brothers and sisters in freedom. I’ll see you out there. I won’t need a mask because it hurts to breathe and the only gloves i’ll be wearing are the fingerless ones when I’m lifting 900 pounds over my head.

Keep lifting for freedom,

Sly

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

Published on April 1, 2017

Business/Education/Politics

For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless.

Chattanooga Bystander, which was started on April 1st, 2013, has been the leading source of providing Chattanooga too much information that it didn’t know it craved.

“WUTC receives a majority of its funding from the likes of Rick Davis, Lake Winnepesaukah, local government officials, Harrison Keely, Paul Barys, sad Riverbend acts, and many others these two sleaze bags have shit talked over the last four years,” explained George Heddleston, senior associate vice chancellor of marketing and communication for UTC. “I was informed they didn’t even show their press badges when reporting at Las Margaritas a few months ago.”

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition

Published on May 29, 2013

Culture/Politics

In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

Warehouse Row announces addition of Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Published on May 6, 2013

Business

With hopes to increase traffic and customer base to the upscale shopping mall, Warehouse Row owners announced a deal has been made to bring retail giant Wal-Mart to its famous downtown Chattanooga location.

In recent years, Warehouse Row has suffered a decrease in business and customer visits. Critics attribute this to the lack of variety that the high-class shopping mall has to offer.

“We believe the coming Tupelo Honey Café will bring in an abundance of new customers, but it will not be enough to keep Warehouse Row fully sustainable,” said Warehouse Row spokeswoman Shirley Thompson. “We believe Wal-Mart will largely fill the void that our customer base lacks. No pun intended.”

Construction is planned to begin this August, in which a majority of current Warehouse Row tenants will be ejected to make room for the new Wal-Mart.

“We have planned for the whole building to undergo renovation for the new addition,” said chief project engineer Earl Hoggart. “Walkways will have to be widened and larger parking spaces for accessible vans will be added for our new customers.

Other charges to the campus with the planned Wal-Mart include: the Public House Restaurant to be transformed into a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combination restaurant, the first in this area, all stairwells will be transformed into escalators, and Southern Burger Co. will begin to offer Big-Macs.

“We’re really excited about the possibilities that will arise from the Wal-Mart addition,” said Warehouse House manager Flora Tucker. “Where else can you purchase a two-hundred dollar pair of Rhinoceros pants, along with dropping fifteen bucks on some camouflage printed skinny jeans?”

Warehouse Row. Photo courtesy of CB staff.

Staff of Congressman Chuck Fleischmann Issues Statement about Viral Video

Published on April 23, 2013

Politics

taken from chuckforcongess.com

A video making its rounds on the Internet of Tennessee Third District Congressman Chuck Fleischmann, has led to a public statement released by his staff. The video, taken by YouTube user “Dave C”, includes the YouTube user asking Mr. Fleischmann his thoughts about CISPA. CISPA, or Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act would make it easier for the government to collect personal information from private corporations. The video in question can be seen here: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upjCuHB_3uU).

Statement as seen below:

From the Office of Chuck Fleischmann:

As many of you know, our boss Chucky aka Fleischmaster Flash aka Congressman Chuck Fleishmann, has been portrayed in a recent “internet” video as a man who simply does not care about the issues of the Tennessee people. I can assure you, nothing is further from the truth. Three simple words can sum up the congressmen’s actions in the video: Irritable bowel syndrome. Irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS, affects rough fifty-five million Americans living today, and is associated with a condition involving recurrent abdominal pain, random diarrhea, and painful constipation. The Congressman was simply having an “IBS flare-up” and had to rush to the nearest restroom facilities. In this case, the office of the Electric Power Board was the closest place to unload it. Reading such abominable comments towards the IBS suffering congressman is not only vexing, but down right despicable. How about you fucking imagine the feeling you would get of having a camera shoved in your face, while the threat of an emergency splattering shit lingers inside you. We hope this incident can be put behind us and the congressman looks forward to serving the fine people of Tennessee in the future.

And fuck you Mr. “Dave C”. Next time, hold the fucking camera long ways.

Rock City to change slogan to “See Seven Shootings”

Published on April 14, 2013

Business/Culture

In reaction to the many months of gang-related shootings, and the need for a new tourist attraction, Rock City is changing their slogan to “See Seven Shootings”. “While seeing seven states has been a staple in bringing in customers for many years, we realized we must get with the times,” said Rock City representative, Steven Borash. “Changes will come to the park over the next few months, in which more unfortunate events will more than likely raise interest in the new attraction.”

Renovations to the new attraction include changing the famous seven state markers to different neighborhoods of Chattanooga, including: Highland Park, Orchard Knob, St Elmo, etc. “We plan on charging $1 per session our view-finders, in which some of the proceeds will help fund a possible Rock City Chattanooga Gang Task Force,” said Borash.

image provided by Rock City

Other changes that will come with the attraction change include:

The famous “See Rock City” birdhouses will now include bullet holes.
Park hours will now extend till 4AM
A “wall tagging” station for the kids
Customer choice of Chattanooga gang colored souvenir t-shirt

“All of these changes are needed because with the invention of Google Earth, people don’t really give a shit about seeing seven states from atop of Lookout Mountain,” explained Borash, “we hope this change will keep Rock City fresh and current”.

Chattanooga Area Schools Winter Flu Outbreak Traced to Wal-Mart iPad Display

Published on April 1, 2013

Education/Health

Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.

The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.

“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”

The 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.

“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”

PSY to Headline 2013 Riverbend Music Festival

Published on March 31, 2013

Culture/Riverbend

In a press release by Friends of the Festival spokesman Terry Sphinx, Internet music sensation PSY is set to headline the 31st annual Riverbend Music Festival.

PSY came into the public eye in mid 2012 on the Internet with his hit song “Gangnam Style”‘, which is apparently about rich people and their horses or something. It has since become the highest viewed video in the history of YouTube.

We spoke to Mr. Sphinx about obtaining PSY to headline the award winning festival.

“It was quite funny actually” Sphinx laughed, “the rest of the FOF guys and I were in an intense brainstorming session on who we should book for the ‘Bend 013. Someone had suggested “the chick who does the Friday song”. I said no way man, lets take it up to the next level, and up a million more YouTube views. All it took was an email and a fax and he was in.”

Riverbend funnel cake vendor Todd Stewman was elastic about the news of PSY. “I love that guy and his silly horse dance!” Stewman said. “Hopefully, he’s still revelant come Riverbend.”

“We can only pray that we has more songs than the smash hit Gangnam Style” said Sphinx,”or hopefully he can stretch it out for about an hour and a half.