President Trump threatened to replace the current CEO of the Tennessee Valley Authority with Coalie, an anthropomorphic cartoon piece of coal.
This threat came despite a recent decision made by the TVA board to continue to run coal plants that had previously been planned to be shut down, and it comes after the EPA has recently repealed greenhouse gas emissions standards although solar energy has finally become the world’s least expensive power source.
“Hi everybody!” said Coalie at a press conference this morning. “A lot of people don’t like me, which makes me sad, but Uncle Trumpy says I’m beautiful! And clean! And that makes me feel good.”
“Christmas comes early to the Tennessee Valley!” said Coalie. “I’m one lump of coal you won’t mind getting in your stocking.”
“I’m as pleased as punch about the 4+ million tons of carbon emissions per year that will be added at these sites,” said Coalie. “Me and my buddies have killed hundreds of thousands of Americans since 1999, and don’t think for a second that we won’t continue our reign of terror.”
“You see, we need all this electricity for generative AI datacenters like Elon Musk’s xAI Colossus in Memphis, so they can produce ugly-as-dogshit AI slop and fuel chatbots that encourage suicide,” said Coalie.
“Do not fuck with me, or I will crush you,” said Coalie, before flashing a smile.
