After numerous complaints from residents about the poor condition of the Wilcox Blvd. bridge – citing massive speed bumps and gaps – the Tenn. Department of Transportation announced that it would turn the bumpy bridge into a dirt bike track, instead of going with the original plan of rebuilding the bridge.
“Dudes and dudettes, we were inspired and stoked by the Chattanooga River Games last weekend and its totally gnarly extreme sports,” said TDOT representative Herc Cisspott in a heavy Californian surfer accent. “Instead of trying to fix these bat-shit-crazy bumps and bitch-ass cracks, why not take advantage of them?”
“In the extreme world of dirt bike racing, the bumpier and more dangerous the track, the better,” said Cisspott. “We are already planning a new extreme sports festival, centered on the Wilcox Blvd. bridge, and we plan on calling it the ‘Rock Out with Your Wilcox Out’ Fest.”
“Imagine some aggro biker just totally fucking shredding and then hitting some epic bump and catching beaucoup hang time. But then, oh fuck, they botch the landing and just fly right off the bridge, ass over tits, and wipe out like a mofo,” said Cisspott, before making the “devil horns” sign with his right hand and sticking out his tongue. “It’s gonna be siiiiiiick.”
