Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly with Southwest Crunch Queso Wrap
Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly with Southwest Crunch Queso Wrap

Mayor Kelly’s proposed $1.99 property tax rate inspired by Sonic’s $1.99 value menu

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Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly revealed that his proposed $1.99 property tax rate (for every $100 of assessed property value) – which is lower than the current $2.25 rate, but higher than the $1.55 certified rate in effect every 4 years when properties are reassessed – was inspired by Sonic’s $1.99 value menu.

“I was sitting in my Subaru Outback, pondering the city’s budget, and I was crunching the numbers in my head,” said Kelly. “I was also crunching on a Southwest Crunch Queso Wrap, from Sonic’s $1.99 Value Menu, and it hit me. Let’s make the certified property tax rate $1.99.”

Analysts pointed out that Kelly has had fast food prices on his mind lately, even referencing McDonald’s at the July 29 City Council meeting when saying that his proposal would cost the average household “…another $1.23 per day. It’s a Happy Meal a week.

Council members have recommended rates both higher and lower than Kelly’s proposal, with Dennis Clark suggesting readopting the 2021 rate of $2.25 (the price of a Cheesy Toasted Breakfast Bacon Burrito at Taco Bell), and Jenny Hill proposing a $1.86 rate (the price of a Spicy Chicken Go Wrap at Wendy’s).

Local cannabis enthusiasts had suggested a rate of $4.20, while fans of the band 311 had proposed a $3.11 rate.

Council members could only agree upon two things: that the pay for firefighters and police officers needs to increase, to offset the price increase of donuts due to inflation, and that Krystal burgers were “goddamn delicious,” especially at 2 a.m.

The current starting salary for Chattanooga police officers is $48,000, which lags behind many other nearby jurisdictions.

“The starting salary for our first responders, equivalent to 7,396 Little Caesars Hot-and-Ready pizzas, is just not enough,” said Kelly.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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