After garnering both criticism and praise for refusing to cater a same-sex wedding, the Red Bank restaurant Pizzeria Cortile clarified its stance, saying “We only cater pansexual orgies.”
“We want to make it clear that we just don’t support any type of official monogamous bond, between any two humans,” said the restaurant’s statement. “Our pizza should only be enjoyed by people who engage in unbridled, all-night anonymous fuckfests, ideally wearing nothing but a masquerade mask and maybe a bib.”
“Imagine our hot white sauce and salty, gooey cheese dripping all over sinewy, musclebound studs and nubile nymphs, sucking on risotto balls and tossing caesar salads,” continued the statement, which went on for six more pages with increasingly explicit content.