November 2015

Syrian refugees refuse Chattanooga due to Noodles and Co. closure

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After news that thousands of Syrian refugees would be making their way to the United States, much to the chagrin of many southern residents, a representative of the Syrian refugee placement department announced plans have been scraped to settle many folks in Chattanooga. All due to the recent closure of the local Noodles and Co restaurant.

IMG_8482Many hoped local attractions, such as the aquarium, incline, and endless gang violence would bring the displaced human beings to the city.

“Escaping our war torn country is possibly the greatest thing that has happened to my family and me” explained Syrian refugee Victor Sayid. “Too bad Chattanooga has become a shit hole where I cannot score some delicious noodles.”

City changes bike lanes to Berke lanes

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Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)
Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)

The City of Chattanooga announced that it was going to convert the protected bike lanes on Broad Street to “Berke lanes” to be used by Mayor Andy Berke, his family and members of his staff, using any mode of transportation of their choosing.

In a written announcement, it was explained that it was calculated that by making this change, usage of the protected lanes would actually increase.

The protected bike lanes on Broad Street have been controversial, with some arguing that they are not used enough by bicyclists to justify their existence.

Several business owners on Broad Street have complained that the lanes have affected their business, and the lanes have also been a source of confusion for some car drivers, some of whom have parked erroneously in the bike lanes.

Others have praised the protected bike lanes, citing the increased safety that they provide and heralding them as a symbol of progress for the city by encouraging bicycle usage for a healthy, green and frugal lifestyle.

The protected Berke lanes on Broad Street will be marked with paint using stencils that bear the likeness of Mayor Berke’s face.

The City Council made the decision after reviewing various options for the bike lanes, including the rejected option of converting them to “bork lanes” to be used only by Swedish chefs.

Hurricane Katrina evacuees forced to leave TN

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Hurricane Katrina damage in August 2005 (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2j6FCT)
Hurricane Katrina damage in August 2005 (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2j6FCT)

After Governor Bill Haslam asked the federal government to block the placement of Syrian refugees–who are fleeing violence and unrest caused by ISIS–in Tennessee today, the state government also passed emergency legislation to force all Hurricane Katrina evacuees currently living in Tennessee to leave the state.

“Hurricane Katrina churned the cesspool of sin that is New Orleans, making it even more of a chaotic hellhole than before, and some of its drunken, fornicating looters ended up taking root in other cities, including ones in our fair state,” said state legislator Cooper Nolfinch.

“Back in 2005, the South Carolina police found out that over half of their Katrina evacuees had criminal records including some convicted of rape or aggravated assault,” said Nolfinch. “These Katrina evacuees are like ticking time bombs.”

“We thought that it was only fair to be consistent. This legislation was written solely to protect the safety of Tennesseans,” said Nolfinch. “And the Titans beat the Saints a week ago, so we have the right.”

Velo Coffee Roasters to start serving in baby Jesus Christmas mugs

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After Starbucks received a wave of backlash over releasing a solid red cup with only their logo for the holiday season, local coffee company Velo announced they will start serving coffee in a mug that features the baby Jesus and the words “Merry Christmas”.

veloVelo deliveries to local markets will also be switched to a season appropiate donkey instead of the normal bicycle.

Other business plans include to offer a collection of themed roasts, such as the blood of the lamb brew, and a collection of bearded-man manger scene mugs for the whole family.

River City Company purchases Walnut Street Bridge with #blacklivesmatter banner. Plans condos and artisanal restaurants

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After a Black Lives Matter movement banner was seen on the Walnut Street Bridge this weekend, a representative from River City Company accounted plans to purchase the bridge with sign and develop a mass of 7 story condos and hip restaurants that serve free-ranged hand cut ice.

rivercity“We have seen the concerns of local citizens and will take them to heart,” said River City Company spokesman Dewayne Jefferson. “These plans include repurposing the movement sign as some sort of fencing fastened to untreated wood for the patio of a bridge restaurant with locally sourced hookah glassware and kale.”

Future plans for the company include purchasing Chattanooga Community Kitchen and converting it into a hip brunch spot that requires a Netflix login to enter.

 

Food City tests grocery delivery via hot air balloon

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Hot air balloons (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/gAMBVQ)
Hot air balloons (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/gAMBVQ)

Supermarket chain Food City tested a new grocery delivery service that utilizes hot air balloons earlier today in the Chattanooga region, where it had recently acquired and converted 29 Bi-Lo supermarkets.

This revolutionary new service takes Food City to another level, after it had previously offered its GoCart Curbside Pickup service at select locations in other markets.

Using its online store, customers select items to be delivered and lay out a cushioned, individually numbered landing pad in the household’s vicinity, over which delivery personnel carefully maneuver their hot-air balloons, weather permitting, for the grocery drop-offs.

Chattanooga is no stranger to aerial innovations, with Amazon’s PrimePult catapult-powered delivery service and Bike Chattanooga’s jetpack rental stations finding success.

If the delivery service turns out to be a success, then Food City executives hinted that they might offer a service directed toward immobile, morbidly obese customers who can lie on their backs and have food dropped directly into their mouths from hot air balloons.