TFP's new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)

Times Free Press spends $2 mil on bigger fonts

TFP's new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)
TFP’s new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)

The local broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that it has invested $2 mil to purchase new, bigger fonts.

“With our previous font sizes, we were unable to properly express how sensational our news articles were,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “Now, people are going to literally shit themselves when they see those big, bold headlines every morning, just leaping off the page.”

“I just wish we had these font sizes last week when we published the article ‘East TN sex offender charged in rape of dog,'” said Krampton. “This is just one of the hard-news stories of universal relevance and great importance that deserve a ginormous font size.”

Among the first articles that utilize the newspaper’s new huge fonts will be “RAPEFUL WEEK OF RAPEY RAPE,” “MURDER, BLOOD, GUTS, DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP,” and “PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES!”

“We have a saying in journalism: ‘If it bleeds, it leads,'” said Krampton.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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