Culture — 08 May 2013

In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend.

Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were leaving from the noise complaint just an hour before.

“We believed it to be just another horseshit drunken redneck Bigfoot sighting,” said Signal Mountain Police Chief Boyd Veal, “but the call came from within two blocks of the private school brat slosh fest that officers had just shut down.

bigfootThe Bigfoot, who recently appeared in news reports about his four plus decades of sightings, is currently being held on accusations of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“I was like, totally freaked out at first.” said 17 year old GPS student, escaped party goer, and Signal Mountain resident Gabby Westerman, “but then we knew he was super cool when he handed us all Bud Lights.”

No stranger to the charges brought against it, records from 1988 show the Chattanooga Bigfoot was accused of providing a group of teenagers some methamphetamine and LSD. Witnesses said the Bigfoot caused no bodily injury, as history would suggest, it only wanted to prove that it was “hip”.

 

 

 

 

photo taken from Wikipedia.com. Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.

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Dirk Savage

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